Wild Horses Couldn't Drag Me Away from You (and Neither Can Dentists)

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

Only now do I realize that a visit to the pediatric dentist was much more of an ordeal for my mother than it was for me. Anticipating the protests, torn between comforting the child and ensuring that the necessary things happened, not wanting the dentist to be cast as the bad guy lest we be even more fearful, she took most of the blame herself. She always seemed so sure of herself and of what had to be done. It wasn't until years later that I realized she hadn't felt as sure as she seemed.

Mom had once asked me if I'd like to switch dentists. Our pediatric dentist was quite gruff, but like many kids, I guessed I'd stay with the devil I knew. Only after the dentist threatened, in my mother's presence, that he would make my mother leave if my sister didn't quiet down, did my mother inform him that her leaving was not an option. She came home and said we would never go to that dentist again. I don't think I had realized until after the switch that dentists could be nicer than a necessary evil.

Our family practice dentist had always treated my son quite successfully. The kid had several fillings with little anesthetic and returned to preschool an hour afterwards.

But my daughter would prove a different story. She was skittish in general, and our dentist had so far confined himself to a brief look in her mouth during her brother's regular cleanings. When Meg was three years old and the dentist actually saw something that needed attending to, he suggested she would be more comfortable with a woman dentist. He recommended an Asian-American woman who was a specialist in pediatric dentistry.

My husband, through general nobility of spirit, as well as naivete (he'd never taken a kid to the dentist before), offered to take Meg to this new dentist. What he reported to me when he got home had me hopping mad.

The dentist and her staff seemed quite brusque. They brushed uncomfortably hard and made no effort to explain things to the children. But worst of all, they repeated the mistake my sister's dentist had made.

Why is this in an adoption blog? I'm going to ask you to imagine something here. Imagine hearing someone threaten to send your parents away if you can't stop crying. That terror makes you cry all the harder, for fear you won't be able to stop.

NOW imagine that you hear this-that someone has the power to "make your parents have to leave"-when you are already on your third set of parents and you have always been told that your first parents didn't want to leave you, but they HAD to.

I'm seething as I write this. Please, please, please, I'm appealing to all professionals, doctors, teachers, don't ever imply that you can make a child's parents leave. (You can suggest that they do, and the parent, if he or she thinks it best, may tell the child that they, the parent, have decided to wait outside the door and they will be right back. It's the parent's decision where to wait. They are not being MADE to leave their child and, in fact, they are not leaving, they can explain to the child that they are choosing to wait somewhere else because they believe it will be better for the child, and they will re-enter the room where the child is at such-and-such time.)

Please, please, please, all parents, never threaten to leave. Please, please, please, all adoptive parents especially, remember that this is never a joking matter for kids who have lost parents for reasons they cannot control. Thse kids do not have the basic assumption of permanency that other kids take for granted regarding their parents.

It's probably a good thing I wasn't there. This way I can maintain the illusion that I would have self-righteously jumped in and told her the problem then and there. I hope I would have. But I must admit, sometimes when I have heard hurtful comments, racist or homophobic remarks, or other things that make my blood boil, I can't form a response until the occasion has passed.

After this dentist's less-than-gentle examination, my husband did have the good sense to leave without letting her do the necessary repairs. We learned that family friends had had the same experience with this so-called "children's expert". We requested another referral from our family dentist. We were referred to an Asian male dentist who happened to have adopted a daughter from China and was awaiting the call to travel to bring his second daughter home. His whole staff is absolutely great.

(Even then we ended up having a pediatric anesthesiologist come to the clinic on a Saturday to put Meg totally under while the dentist cleaned and filled her teeth. But our dentist was used to working with patients with special needs, and he already arranged for the anesthesiologist to come on periodic Saturdays.)

Meg is now over her fear of men and has very nice teeth. But occasionally I am still surprised by all three of my kids when they express fears I'd never known they had. It behooves us as parents not to make assumptions, but to take our kids' fears seriously--and to find professionals who will take our children and their emotional needs seriously as well.

Please see these related blogs:

"She Just Abandoned Me!"

Talking About Tough Issues: Abandonment

In the Chill of Midwinter

The Dentist who Punched Me

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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