What Really Happens When Adopted Kids Grow Up?

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

21 Oct 2007 03:54 PM

It's a fear that creeps into most parents' minds occasionally, and perhaps a bit more often for adoptive parents: "What if my kid turns out to be a totally messed-up adult?"

It's awfully hard to imagine a sweet-faced, affectionate five-year-old as an out-of-control teen or an embittered and estranged young adult. Yet, sometimes we meet caring parents whose teens have fallen into drug abuse, or sweet elderly neighbors whose children never visit, or a couple celebrating their 60th anniversary whose children have each been divorced three times.

Thus we have two opposing voices in our heads. Usually the one that is uppermost is the one saying, "That couldn't happen to my kids." But every so often there is the whisper, "But what if it does?"

Adoptive parents must deal with media stories of children who never learned to bond, who seem to have no empathy, no conscience, no sense of cause and effect. It also seems that many people feel compelled, when they hear that we are adopting, to share a story of a friend who adopted a child from an orphanage who couldn't learn to relate to others, or who was horribly abused, or who abused the adoptive siblings. (Note to passersby: this is no more helpful to an adopting or adoptive parent than telling horror stories about labor is to a pregnant woman.)

Dr. David Kirschner deals with the worst-case scenarios. He is a psychologist who has testified for the defense in murder trials. Several of his cases have involved adoptees. He wrote a book "Adoption: Uncharted Waters: A Psychologist's Case Studies. . . Clinical and Forensic Issues, With Practical Advice for Adoptees, Parents and Therapists" in which he uses the term "Adopted Child Syndrome". This is a controversial term for behaviors alleged to be related to one's status as an adoptee. Behaviors listed vary as the "syndrome" has not been officially defined-thank goodness!-but may include lying, stealing, defiance, acts of violence, and attachment disorder.

At the same time, we know well-adjusted adoptees-children and adults. Is there any research that says whether maladjustment is more likely for adoptees than for other children? My next blogs will attempt to share some research.

Please see these related blogs:

"Wrongful Adoption" Lawsuits

Book Review: The Adoption Life Cycle

Mixed Media Messages about Adoption Issues

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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