What is Adoption Loss?

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

25 Jun 2008 11:06 AM

We all know of miscarriage, or pregnancy loss. "Adoption loss" is the bereavement felt when an expected adoption does not occur.

Although less than one-tenth of a percent of finalized adoptions are contested each year, parents are often heavily invested emotionally before finalization or before placement. Often they have been meeting with birthparents for several months. They may have seen the baby via ultrasound, chosen a name for the baby, shared the news with their families, prepared the baby's room, and bought clothing specific to the gender of the expected child. Some birth parents even invite the adoptive parents to be present at the birth.

Yet the birth parent reserves the right to change her mind-the birth mother cannot sign consent forms before the birth, although some states allow a birth father to do so. States vary greatly in the time given birth parents to change their mind (a decision formally known as "revocation of consent"). The shortest timeframe given birthmothers is 48 hours after the birth, but some states give up to six months. Consult an attorney for your state's laws, and also an attorney knowledgeable in the laws of the birthmother's state of residence and/or the state in which the baby is born.

In states where the wait is only days after the birth, some adoption professionals like to have the babies go to a foster home from the hospital to give the birth parents time to think over their decision while sparing the adoptive parents the pain of having a child removed from their home. Other professionals, and adoptive parents themselves, feel it is best for the child to be with the new parents from the very beginning. If the waiting period is longer than a few weeks I would certainly recommend this. Many adoptive parents also want the experience of being with the baby in the hospital.

Whether the baby has actually been in the adoptive parents' home or not, or even if a birthmother changes her mind before the baby is born, the would-be adoptive parents feel a roller-coaster ride of disapointment, anger, confusion, fear, and grief.

In addition to birth mothers who change their mind and decide to parent, there may also be birth parents who are moving toward placing the child with a prospective adoptive family, then decide to place the child with another family, whether with relatives or family friends or with another family whose profile they have seen through the adoption agency.

Occasionally, a birth mother may begin making plans with an adoption agency without telling the father about the pregnancy. When the father learns of it, he may decide he wants to parent.

Some other situations which can lead to adoption loss will be discussed in the next two blogs.

Please see these related blogs:

Debunking Adoption Myths: Myth #1 - Birthmother Changes her Mind after the Adoption is Finalized

Stages of Birthparents' Thinking about Adoption

Finally Finalized

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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