Vive la Difference!

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

25 Jul 2007 03:13 PM

Another mom in my daughter's class told me about a friend of hers who thought she couldn't have children, adopted a daughter, then later had twin daughters by birth. According to my acquaintance, her friend was struggling with her feelings now because her birth children were so much like her and her husband, and the adopted child was totally different in personality, and the mother was saddened by these differences.

My acquaintance asked me if I felt that way too (she told me this story upon learning that I have one child by birth as well as two by adoption).

Actually my experience has usually been quite different. I have never been much of a clothes person, but I really enjoy seeing my girls wearing black and white, pastels, and even orange-- colors I could never wear because they make me look as washed out as a ghost. I am amazed by their outgoing natures and moved to laughter by their giggles. And I really, really love listening to their beautiful singing voices-I can't carry a tune to save my life.

I do remember thinking about the question fleetingly before. Did I enjoy doing things with my son more, or is it just that the Children's Museum doesn't seem as exciting by the third child? I have noticed myself really enjoying my son lately. I think it is just that he is at an age where he can really converse, play board games, appreciate reading about history and visiting museums other than the Children's Museum.

Yet there may well be something to the fact that he likes reading, talking and board games because he has inherited certain talents and personality traits from his father and me. It seems that most scientists, having moved from the "bad blood will out" theory to the "children are blank slates" theory, have come to rest somewhere in the middle, acknowledging that such traits as introversion or extroversion, high sensitivity, physical aptitudes, impulsiveness and more may indeed have a genetic component.

This is one of the things adoptive parents have to be aware of. In fact some adoption agency literature tells parents that to be ready to move from trying to conceive to adoption, they must first grieve the loss of the fantasy child who will be like his or her two parents.

Perhaps this was never as big an issue for me since my family is very diverse in both looks and personality despite being genetically related. I have heard some adoptive people mention that they felt so different from everyone in their family.

I'm not qualified to write about the grief of infertility. I am grateful I got to have the experience of carrying and nursing a child, and it is fun to see how Patrick reminds me of Charles and myself.

I remember reading a newspaper column by Ellen Goodman several years ago. She said perhaps adoptive parents have a gift to give other parents, because we often don't have preconceived notions of what our children will be. Adoptive parents in particular, but all parents as well, need to realize that we need to wait eagerly to discover and draw out our children's gifts, whether they match our own or not.

Please see these related blogs:

A Pearl of Great Price

Letting Go of Control

Introducing My Family

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger