Things We Wish We'd Done While Waiting

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

11 Feb 2008 07:08 PM

In my Fast Start blog, I set out some steps to take so that you will be ready to proceed with the various stages of adoption as soon as possible. (Follow the advice of your own adoption agency, of course.) Still, some waiting is inevitable. Here are some things to do.

Some of these you have heard before. Learn basic baby care, if applicable. Learn about child development and what children typically do at the age your child-to-be is currently, if you have a child identified, and at the age he/she is likely to come home. Learn about any special needs your child has. Prepare to travel. Learn about your child's culture and language, if different from your own. Make some contacts in your community who share your child's culture, if applicable.

Some adoptive parents prefer not to get their child's room ready too early for fear of disappointment. It may be wise not to purchase too many clothes until you know your child's size. A delay of six weeks can mean all different sizes are needed for a young child. If friends wish to throw you a shower, you may accept enthusiastically but suggest they wait until the child is home. Nevertheless, you may wish to have a couple of basic outfits ready in two or three sizes if you expect to have to travel quickly. If your means permits, you can donate those that are too small, perhaps to the agency or orphanage from which your child comes. If you must be very choosy when buying, at least plan ahead of time where you will buy the clothes.

Childproof your house if your child will be over six months old at the time of arrival. Get down on your knees and see how many outlets and other dangers are present at a child's eye level.

One bit of advice often mentioned by adoptive parents is something you may not have thought of before: your physical fitness. When you adopt a newborn, you gradually increase your fitness as you move from carrying an eight-pound child to a child of twelve, fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty pounds. If you adopt an older child, it can be a sudden strain. Many, many adoptive parents say they wish they had worked out more! Even if your child is walking, you will want to lift him or her sometimes-to see something, to hurry through an area, to remove him or her from public while throwing a tantrum, or just to lift him/her onto your lap. Don't let a back injury mar a precious time. See the Fitness blog here at Families.com for help in getting ready.

Spend time with your older children if you have any. Get them together with children the age their new sibling will be. Show them their baby pictures and talk about how much time it took you to feed them, change them and get them to sleep when they were younger. This way they will understand that parents must spend a lot of time with young children (or any child new to the household), not that parents are choosing to spend time with the new sibling instead of the older sibling.

Don't forget your spouse. Many couples try to go away together before a new baby comes. Adoptive parents should try to spend a lot of time together as well, especially since a newly-adopted child may be sensitive to being left with caregivers for some months after their arrival. Spend some time with your friends as well.

You can also identify people in the community who can help you-babysitters, community college parenting classes or parent support groups, children's health information lines which have recorded information on a number of topics.

Please see this related blog:

Promoting a Positive Sibling Adjustment

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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turtle7 (25) 25 Mar 2008 06:25 AM

I am in the process of a second parent adoption and was told at the beginning that it would take between 3-4 months to complete. It has been 4 and a half months now and there seems to be no end in sight. Does anyone know how long it truly takes to complete a second parent adoption?

After many weeks of no news I have become worried and trying to communicate with my lawyer is like trying to break into Fort Knox. So, I am just trying to figure out if I am being too anxious and impatient or if I have a legitimate concern. Again, if you have any information on this topic and can tell me the typical time frame for completing a second parent adoption that would be great.

Pam Connell (2658) 23 Sep 2008 02:51 PM

Paitence--when "Turtle" referred to a "second parent adoption", this means a stepparent legally adopting their spouse's prior children--whom they have usually been living with already. So it's really a very different process.

You are right that I would be suspicious of anyone who promised to find a child for a family, get them home and complete the paperwork in 3-4 months!

Pam Connell (2658) 23 Sep 2008 04:13 PM

The Hague Convention is a bit more complicated than that. All adoptions between two countries that have joined the Hague Convention must be done in accordance with the Convention--basically a treaty agreeing on standards for international adoptions and a designated authority in each country to oversee them.

However, adoptions between countries that are not members of the Hague Convention, such as South Korea and Ethiopia, continue as before, here in the U.S. at least.

South Korea has had orderly adoption procedures for decades and has often been looked to as a model for countries implementing their own programs. The South Korean government delegates authority to arrange international adoptions to four nonprofit social welfare agencies. Apparently the South Korean government has decided that they already have safe and efficient practices and therefore they do not need to join the Hague Convention, which would establish one central government authority to regulate adoptions and accredit adoption agencies.

Some of the biggest concerns U.S. adoptive parents have had regarding the Hague are the stoppage of programs with countries that are members of Hague but have not adhered to all its standards. This was a problem with Guatemala earlier this year.