The Trend to Open Adoptionby Fatherofeight | More from this Blogger 13 Feb 2007 11:26 AM Apparently, the current trend in adoption circles is toward open adoption. In an open adoption, the birth parent is allowed to occasionally have contact with the children. Most of the prominent adoption magazines strongly recommend it. It is also the in-vogue direction that social work academics seem to be leaning. My wife and I were recently driving home from a three day vacation and "just for fun", Nancy called in to a very popular national radio show hosted by a well-known family issues psychologist. The radio host seemed oblivious to all of our good reasons to avoid our children's birth mother. She essentially told Nancy that it was extremely important for the boys' development to maintain contact with her. I have revisited the issue in my mind because it was recently time to send the birth mother photographs and a written update on how the boys are doing. We agreed to send that information every six months when she agreed to sign relinquishment papers for the youngest child. We are not legally required to do it, but we feel like it is a moral obligation. I have detailed the problems that the birth mother has in previous blogs. To summarize, she has had very serious substance abuse problems for many years, she never had any of our five children in her direct care, and medical professionals who have examined her have concluded that she can not take care of a child because she can not take care of herself. Only the oldest child ever even mentions Lola. He knew her in his previous life, but he did not know that she was his mother. To the other boys, she is only the "lady who carried us in her belly". We recently tried to show the oldest child pictures of Lola and he was clearly not interested. When we were required to visit her, her presence scared all of them. She looked, acted, and smelled spooky. Any of these words could have been substituted for "spooky": yucky, weird, creepy, and frightful. We do have a responsibility to do what is right. In order to make sure that we are doing that, we have asked our adoption worker, our state social worker, the boys' attorney-ad-litem, the Child Advocates volunteer, the state's attorney and our psychologist if we should involve Lola at all in the lives of our boys. They all said no and that we should not ever consider it. In a future blog, I am going to deal with how I have learned to have compassion for Lola, rather than despise her for what she did to the boys. If you think that we should have more contact with Lola, I would appreciate your input. I would also like to hear the viewpoint of anyone who is the birth parent of a child who was adopted. Related Blogs: Adoption Day #2 Relevantadoption tags relationships | pregnancy | baby | christmas | Scrapbooking | parenting | family | holidays | children | Food User Comments PATTI (580) 13 Feb 2007 11:48 AMDear Ed, I say no to including Lola in your boys' lives. To me, it would cause confusion and heartache. I would certainly be honest and open about her, as you are. I don't have adopted children, but my heart and head say no contact with Lola. PATTI  Julie Gentry (5915) 13 Feb 2007 12:49 PMMaybe in the years to come, Lola will get her life together. For now, if she wasn't the birth mother, would you even CONSIDER exposing your young children to any person with her lifestyle? I think it's unfair to the kids AND to your wife - the kids' mom -- to do so. If she's clean in five years or ten years, and the boys are curious, then it makes sense. It doesn't make ANY sense at this point in their lives. I agree with Patti.  Fatherofeight (2475) 13 Feb 2007 02:19 PMAnd I feel that way too. Thanks to you both. Given her lifestyle, Lola may not be around for many years.  Pam Connell (2658) 13 Feb 2007 05:13 PMI think you're on the right track. Asking the boys' psychologist and your adoption worker confirms that you are interested in the boys' welfare not your own comfort. Open adoption is definitely the trend in U.S. infant adoptions where the birthparents relinquish their parental rights voluntarily. Fatherofeight (2475) 13 Feb 2007 05:37 PMI do have compassion for the woman. I have even considered setting up something were she could see them but they wouldn't know it, like agreeing that she would stay behind a one way mirror or something. She probably would forget to show up and the kids get nervous at a government office or agency even now. To quote our wonderful adoption agency advisor, a foster child, or former foster child, can spot a social worker a mile away. Thanks for your thoughts Pam.  Hava Lyon (1545) 15 Feb 2007 07:20 PMI think Julie made a good point--if this lady wasn't the birth mother, would you ever consider letting her have anything to do with your children? NO! This is the sort of person who you would work your hardest to keep your children away from. If someone is going to be a bad influence on your children, then you need to keep them away your children, blood ties or not. Stick to your guns! Hava Fatherofeight (2475) 15 Feb 2007 08:05 PMThank you Hava. I have a lot of street ministry, homeless ministry experience. The only place that I had ever seen anyone like Lola was doing ministry on the streets. And she would have been well into the lower percentiles for those people. I know we are doing the right thing too. I appreciate the affirmation.  rsbg (501) 15 Feb 2007 09:29 PMI can't wait to read more. We are in a somewhat similar situation with my oldest, with bio father, and this is helping me. Thank you! Fatherofeight (2475) 16 Feb 2007 12:35 PMWhen the experienced people who know everyone say, stay away from them, it is enough for me. I am glad this helped, rsbg. blfbrat (5) 10 Mar 2007 07:17 PMI understand your hesitation, as your first responsiblity is to the child. But I must put in some words of defense of open adoption. I am the grandmother of a child put up for adoption. My dear daughter felt she was not ready to be a parent yet, as the father of the baby deserted her when she was 2 months pregancy, she felt she could not raise a child right now. i supported her, even though this was my first grandchild and her choice was very painful for both of us, but in the best interest of the child. My daughter found a wonderful local family, that believed in open adoption. They had received a beautiful daughter who was 15 months old, they had a website and stayed in touch with weekly pictures, phone calls and at least an anual visit as she was several states away. My daugher was so touched, because "They kept their promise to the birth mother", we contacted them. She choose this family to parent the baby. They said as long as it was in the best interest of the child we would stay in contact. We realized that you can not hold adoptive parents to this, but we hoped that we could maintain contact. We have since become extended family, spending time on the holidays, exchanging pictures, gifts, phone calls, and visits several times a month. It has helped my daughter to know the baby is loved and cared for, the baby will know who her birthmother is and be able to ask her questions. The best is the baby has all this love from all over the place, and for me I get to be a grandmother and I even got a bonus granddaughter, in the child they already adopted. It should be all about the children. Fatherofeight (2475) 23 Mar 2007 09:35 PMThat is wonderful, I wish that our birth mother was stable but she is not. I'm so glad that you get to be her grandmother. 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