The Shock of Adoption Secrets

by Melissa J | More from this Blogger

03 Nov 2006 01:08 AM

We had heard about it happening in other families but were shocked to learn of it in our own. How could this happen? How did it get covered up for so long? There are so many questions that may never be answered...

As we pulled up to my mother-in-law's home for a harvest time/Halloween party, we noticed my husband's step-mother parked in the driveway. It was our assumption at the time she might have wanted to meet her youngest grandson for the first time. We gathered the children and brought them into the house. Directing the kids to the play room, I noticed my husband talking with his step-mother. She was telling a story that went something like this:

While at the dentist's office, in waiting for her appointment, she saw an elderly woman. The woman was in her eighties and looked well for her age. The two made some small talk and my step-mother-in-law found that the woman had been a nurse at the same hospital as her mother-in-law, which is my husband's paternal grandmother. She'd remembered my husband's grandmother well and said, "Ah yes, I remember when she adopted (my husband's father's name withheld)!" My husband's father was adopted?! It was apparently the talk of the hospital at the time as my father-in-law's mother and her husband had been trying for several years to conceive. Until recently, my father-in-law had lived in the same home he'd grown up in. Some of the original neighbors had known of his adoption, but never mentioned anything because they assumed he already knew. After all, it's not something people talked about then nor was it anyone's place to tell. My father-in-law's parents passed years ago leaving absolutely no trace of an adoption. No one ever would have known.

My husband's father and step-mother hired a detective and found there was indeed an adoption that took place. Unfortunately, my father-in-law's birth mother and birth brother are deceased and there is no known birth father. Understandably my husband's father is angry, feels betrayed-I'm sure; his whole identity has been shaken.

Just that night my husband was meaning to ask about some specific family medical history his doctor wanted. As it turns out, everything that was once thought as his paternal medical history is wiped out past my husband's father. My father-in-law had been using his adoptive parent's family medical information for the past sixty plus years with no clue he was ever adopted.

Having two children by adoption ourselves, the news in and of itself is shocking, but only to a point. What blew me away was how this news was found out! Had my husband's step-mother never made chit-chat with a stranger in such a random meeting-at a dentist's office, my father-in-law may never have known he was adopted. My hope is that once the dust settles, he will find a closer connection to his grandsons, our children as a result.

Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog

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Grammi58 (396) 05 Nov 2006 02:10 PM

MJ-I can't believe that your husband's father just discovered this situation(him being adopted) now(60 years later). So, if your husband needs to know any medical background for his own use, he would have to look into his mom's side of the family now. Give him my best wishes

Jody Moreen (3274) 06 Nov 2006 09:31 AM

Hi MJ! I just found this great thread . Being an adoptee myself and facilitating adoption support groups for over 12 years, I have witnessed much about secrets and shame from the closed adoption era. We today live in such an open society and more tolerance for crisis pregnancies/morals. Your husband's father is understandibly upset. He is not unique, for I have met a good number of adoptees that did not know they were adopted until they were adults or even later into adulthood! I was told my birth mother died while birthing me- not so- she lived until 51 yrs of age. My passion is to encourage fellow adult adoptees, especially in the area of their identity, unresolved emotions. Jody

Anna Glendenning (4234) 06 Nov 2006 09:37 PM

MJ--If I didn't know you in real life and didn't know this was a true story I would have to think someone has a big imagination!!!

But, the truth this happened all the time in the past. My mother has a cousin who wasn't told until she was an adult--and it was of course a family friend who spilled the beans!

My husband and I had some friends before we adopted--who had adopted their son. He was about 12 years old and these friends were sharing all the details of their son's adoption with us...and then said, "Don't say anything--he doesn't know yet"

I was stunned! How easy it would have been for me a casual friend to "Say" something being so around adoption! I have never understood why people would allow casual friends to know--what they have not even bothered to share with the PERSON who it matters to the most!

As for the medical info.... Raising Sean and Tori only knowing the medical info for my side--taught me to just assume they were at risk for everything and go from there....