The Month of Mothers

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

31 May 2008 07:48 PM

Looking back over the month of May, I remember some very interesting conversations. I also remember reading some very interesting blogs, on diverse areas of Families.com and of our sister site Adoption.com. This twenty-first century method of "conversing" lets us read others' thoughts, compose a reply with time to think about what we really mean, and read the reactions of many other people who may be very different from us.

One of the conversations I read about at our sister site was about Birthmother's Day. This day began to be celebrated in 1990 when a few birthmothers in Seattle gathered together on the Saturday before Mother's Day. That celebration has spread. Now there are cards that adoptive parents and children can purchase to sent to their birthmother on that day. Some agencies hold gatherings for birthmothers.

Not all birthmothers believe this is a good idea. Some of them feel that it is diminishing to have a special day just for birthmothers, when they are really mothers and should be honored on Mother's Day too. I must admit, if I try to imagine a day named "Adoptive Mother's Day", I wouldn't like it either. I'd rather have the focus be on the relationship I have with my children, not on how it came about. It would also feel uncomfortable. I would worry that people would think adoptive parents are to be honored for "rescuing" children, think that our motivations and feelings for our children are somehow different.

However, as an adoptive parent I'm not sure how I would feel about celebrating Mother's Day jointly with the birthmother. Would I feel a bit resentful sharing the day with someone? I have been this child's mother day in and day out for over seven years. Yet, I fully acknowledge that her birthmother and her foster mother both loved her and mothered her. Still, I might prefer just to celebrate with my immediately family, at least most Mother's Days.

There are adoptive mothers who have written beautifully about how they love getting together with their child's birthmother. Certainly encouraging the child to make a card or telephone his birthmother are appropriate. Some birthmothers who advocate Birthmother's Day point out that it is empowering for women who have been silent about that part of their lives to claim a day that acknowledged their experience, a day on which they could gather with other birthmothers.

One compelling argument was that many birthmothers go on to marry and raise children. Some of these say they feel torn on Mother's Day between thinking of the child who is not with them and putting on a happy face for the children who are. They like having Birthmother's Day to think about their first child, whether it is a day of celebration, or grief, or both. Then they focus on their new family for a traditional Mother's Day.

I think this just underscores that everyone's experience is different. Not only is the adoptive mother's experience different from a birthmother's, but one birthmother's experience is different than another birthmother's and what works for one adoptive family may not work for another family. We in the adoption community need to honor each other's experience. If someone tries to involve us in a way we don't like, such has wishing us a "Happy Birthmother's Day" or suggesting a ritual we are not comfortable with, we can simply say , "I prefer to think of myself as one of Meg's mothers and just celebrate Mother's Day, thanks" or "I don't know how I feel about that. I need some time to figure out what will be right for me that weekend."

Whether you decide to add Birthmother's Day to your calendar for next year or not, keeping an honest conversation open enriches us all.

Please see these related blogs:

Birthmother Day

Birthmother's Day Pros

Birthmother's Day Cons

Three Mothers

Thinking About Other Parents

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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