Telling Family and Friends that You are Adopting

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

30 Jun 2008 10:42 PM

Congratulations! You have decided to pursue adoption! You may be eager to tell your family and friends, and expecting hearty congratulations from them. Or you may have concerns about how your family and friends will react.

How will you tell them? First of all, remember that you have been researching adoption. You have probably decided whether you will pursue foster care adoption, domestic infant adoption or international adoption. You have likely read some accounts by adoptive parents and talked with an adoption professional.

Some people will not know what to say when you tell them you are adopting. Some may hear only that there is no hope for the fertility treatments you have worked so hard for. They may mistakenly believe condolences are in order----not what you expect when you announce that you are preparing for a new family member!

Others will have heard myths about adoption. A few months ago, you too may have had some of the same concerns that now sound so negative and so ridiculous when they are spoken to you by your loved ones. In her book The Adoption Decision, Linda Christianson suggests that you consider writing a letter. This will give you time to think through what you want to say and provide information to allay fears. It will also give relatives time to think before responding. Christianson suggests writing the letter in an upbeat tone, on decorative paper, conveying your excitement.

You might consider packaging the letter with a brochure from your adoption agency and a book such as Adopting is a Family Affair: What Relatives and Friends Must Know. Other resources might include articles from the website of Adoptive Families magazine. You might look for articles relevant to your situation (transracial, international, domestic, etc.) and to what you think might be the biggest concerns for your relatives(relationships with birth family and open adoption in general, fraud, cost, or others). You can list websites and books where people can find more information. You might also include a general outline of the timeline if it is an international adoption, so your relatives will not assume something is wrong if it takes a long time.

Christianson tells of one couple who creatively announced their plan to adopt from China by delivering Chinese takeout boxes (available in craft stores) filled with chopsticks, inexpensive fans, postcards, etc. A brochure about China adoption could work well here.

If you are going to make an announcement at a family gathering, you might make sure someone you know to be supportive of adoption is there, or confide first in someone who can set a tone for the others by being congratulatory. One couple tells of their experiences telling both their families: one reacted with cheers and hugs, so they were surprised and hurt when the other family reacted with silence.

You know your family. Some will react better to being told in person, some by letter. Some will react well to being told as a group; some will prefer a private talk. Be confident and let others know that you have done your homework. You know about some of the potential pitfalls, but also know how statistically frequent or infrequent they really are, what steps you can take to mitigate them, and where you can seek help.

However you choose to tell your good news, make sure you convey that it IS good news.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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kjulius05 (5) 03 Jan 2009 01:48 PM

Thanks for writing about this topic. My husband and I have recently begun serious homework on adoption. You seem to know exactly how I feel and what I fear. I have a question that you may know the answer to; my husband is undergoing treatment for cancer. The applications I have seen thus far ask if either party is in treatment for a serious medical condition. Is that a fair question given privacy aspects of health care? Are we automatically disqualified from adoption, international or domestic? I would rather know sooner than later. Thanks again. Keep up the good work!

Pam Connell (2658) 08 Jan 2009 10:32 PM

Hi KJulius, I just wrote a couple of blogs that address this issue--this morning's addresses how it might affect domestic adoption, tomorrow morning's addresses international adoption and health issues. I hope this helps. I hope to hear from you again.

PS--My grandfather had cancer when he was 40--he is now ninety and has never had a recurrence.