Search Results for: blog talking to adoptive parents what not to say

What Problems Do Parents of Russian Adoptees Face?

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Most of the world is justly horrified by the fact that Torry Hansen sent her adopted Russian son back to Russia. I admit I don’t know how I would respond if my child threatened to kill me. But as I said in my blog on Wrongful Adoption lawsuits, once an adoption is final, the parent-child relationship is final. If my biological child suffers brain trauma and becomes a danger to others, he may have to live in a residential treatment center, but I would still visit him, try to assist in his healing process, contribute financially to him as much … Continue reading →

Thoughts of Another Adoptive Mother, Continued

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My last two blogs have been a review of Jana Wolff’s memoir Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother and my reflections on my experiences and their similarities and differences with Wolff’s.Those reflections are continued here. I related to Wolff’s descriptions of her family—how happy they were and eager to include this new grandchild, but still recognizing something different. “Being adopted and being of color changed the way this baby was held and welcomed by his new extended family,” Wolff declares. “Ari was neither the first grandchild nor the first grandson, but he was touched with the gingerness of first-timers,” Wolff … Continue reading →

Not Quite Like I Expected

“Before I became a parent I honestly thought I was a nice person.” “Once you become a parent, you understand how wars start.” I can’t remember where I heard the above quotes, but I have to laugh. Being a parent really can throw you for a loop. I had a fair bit of experience with kids under my belt by the time I became a parent. I had taken a lot of classes in communication, and read lots of parenting books. When my kids were young I even took some parenting classes offered by the local community college and the … Continue reading →

Book Review: Talking with Young Children about Adoption

We often hear or read advice to talk with our children about adoption from a young age, to speak honestly about their birthparents and about their adoption story, to acknowledge their sadness, to reinforce that we are their permanent family. And we are told to do all this in an age-appropriate manner. What we don’t hear as often are examples of just how to do this, especially with young children. Actual dialogues reported by adoptive parents of all kinds make Talking with Young Children about Adoption one of the most useful books I’ve read. Author Mary Watkins is a psychologist … Continue reading →

Talking About Tough Questions

Adoption, under the best possible circumstances, involves loss. Few birthparents deliberately plan to have a child they will have to let someone else parent. Adoptive parents, like all parents, want to shield their children from sadness and from things they think may be damaging to their self-esteem. However, the loss of trust in their parents that secrecy creates is potentially more damaging than the original losses. Books such as Lois Melina’s Making Sense of Adoption and Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler, recommend age-appropriate ways of conveying a child’s story to … Continue reading →

Thinking About Other Parents

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Some birthmothers and adoptive families observe the second Saturday in May as Birthmother’s Day. I find myself thinking about our birthmother on this day, although I still haven’t figured out what I’ll say to my daughters about it. Some adoptive families light candles or toast the birthmothers; probably I’ll just pray for their birthmother and foster mothers at our family bedtime prayer. While I comfortably wrote about my daughter having Three Mothers— her birthmother, her foster mother, and me—in practice, I have to admit that talking about it with my daughters is less comfortable. In short, I sometimes have trouble … Continue reading →

New Year’s Resolutions for Adoptive Parents

Hopefully we’ve all had some good family time over the holidays. As we plow through the back-to-school chaos and re-enter our normal lives, here are my ideas for New Year’s Resolutions. Some of them may seem contradictory, but “all good things in moderation”. Why not pencil in one at the start of each month’s calendar page and make sure it happens sometime that month? 1.Talk to your kids about adoption. This doesn’t have to be a sit-down “big talk”. Just make a little comment or reference here and there like, “I wonder if your musical talent came from your birthfather.” … Continue reading →

Belonging, Identity and ‘The’ Reason Why: How I Decided Not to Search for My Birth Parents

So many things identify us. Many of you have likely read my blogs and know that I am a home schooling mom. I am the mother of five wonderful children, including a set of twins. I am the wife of a coach. And I am adopted. You can tell, without a doubt, that I must be adopted. The only way you could be more sure is if my adoptive parents and I were of different races. While both of my “adoptive” parents are dark haired, have brown eyes, and are almost olive color–I am blonde (or at least I was … Continue reading →

Talking to Adoptive Parents – Great Things To Say

My last blog was about things that you should avoid saying to families formed by adoption. Many people say these things and don’t even realize that they could sound unkind. I think that often when people see a family with adopted children, they are curious because these kinds of families are not very common, though they are becoming more accepted in society. Here are some things that you can say that are appropriate and that will be appreciated by the family. “What a beautiful family!” This validates them as a family and celebrates their uniqueness. Especially when it is a … Continue reading →

Talking to Adoptive Parents – What Not To Say

One of the biggest frustrations in the adoption community is the fact that those who are not touched by adoption usually do not understand it. Families that are created by adoption are considered an oddity and often those who are not familiar will say things that can be hurtful, even when that is not their intention. In this blog, I want to highlight some of the comments that many adoptive parents and their children hear on a regular basis. In the next blog, I will show you some positive things that you can say to an adoptive family. Please keep … Continue reading →