Talking About Tough Issues: Criminal Activity/Birthparents in Prison and Incest

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

27 Aug 2007 08:18 PM

This is one of a series on talking about tough issues with your adopted children. For general principles of talking about tough topics, see the first blog in the series.

Talking about criminal activity or a birthparent in prison:

For young children: "When adults break an important law (rule) and it might be dangerous to others, they go to a big time-out place. Your birthmother will be there for many years. You couldn't wait that long for parents to raise you, so you will be with us until you grow up-and we will love you even after that."

For an older child: "Your birthmother probably wishes she had made different choices so that she didn't have to be separated from you."

"I'm proud that you are learning to think about the choices you make and what might happen because of what you choose."

Talking about Incest:

For young children: "Your birthparents came from a family that didn't know how to share love in the right ways-what kinds of touches were good and bad, what kinds of touches are for families and what kinds are just for grown-ups like mommy and daddy to share with just one special person."

Talking about Incest, Mental Illness and Mental Retardation:

Older children will require some accurate information on genetic risks so they do not unduly panic about "being defective" or about the possibility of contracting an illness or passing it on to their children. Risks should be explained clearly and in context. The explanation should include signs of problems that the adoptive parents and adoptee can watch for, as well as when and how they will seek help if problems arise. Explain that many problems can be successfully managed if caught early.

Please see these related blogs:

Easter Children

Love You Forever: Reassuring Your Adopted Child

Book Review: Making Sense of Adoption by Lois Ruskai Melina

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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