Talking About Tough Issues: Abandonment

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

25 Aug 2007 02:55 PM

Some adoptive parents are very distressed to learn that their child was abandoned. They believe that this means the birthmother did not love the child. It is certainly difficult to think of a beloved child left alone, but remember that when it is the only option, abandonment does not have the negative connotations it has in this country.

In the case of international adoption, often a country does not have a formal system for placing children for adoption. In these countries "abandonment" does not imply that the child was found in a dumpster. "Abandoned" babies in these countries are usually left at hospitals, on the steps of police stations, or even in designated spots outside orphanages. These are signs that the birth family wanted the child to be safe and found quickly. Babies may also be left in busy marketplaces where they may be quickly found. Often a birth family member hides nearby to make sure the child is safe until found. Sometimes notes are attached to the baby's clothing speaking of the mother's love.

If nothing is known about the birthparents, talk about circumstances such as poverty, cultural biases, immature thinking, etc. that can lead to birthparents giving up a child. Many international adoptees have found new understanding and peace through visits to the birth country. Even if they do not meet their birthparents, they have a new understanding of the challenges they may have faced. Some adoption agencies even arrange tours where teen adoptees meet with residents of unwed mothers' homes. These let adoptees see that most birthmothers care about their babies, and lets residents who have placed their babies for adoption have the peace of seeing adoptees who have turned out reasonably well.

In the case of abandonment in the U.S., there may be drug abuse clouding the birthparent's thinking. Sometimes the birthmother has managed to delude herself into not accepting the pregnancy, then panics. Tell the child that his birthmother's behavior was not okay, because all children deserve better. But don't assume the birthmother was totally cold with no redeeming qualities. Tell the child she probably made good and bad choices, like many of us.

Please see these related blogs:

She Just Abandoned Me!

Chinese Birthparents Found: More to Come?

The "Baby Moses Law"

In the Chill of Midwinter

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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centraloregonmom (295) 25 Aug 2007 06:33 PM

Speaking to both this posting and the previous one... I think it is so important to make sure that our children know and really understand the circumstances around their birth and subsequent adoption. After reading some of the same books you site, I realize that the information with give our children gives them permission to be who they are, and not try to conform to who they thing we want them to be. One of the things I've started to talk with my 7 year old about (taking the suggestion of age appropriate discussions) is how sometimes adults make choices that effect more than just that person, and sometimes those might be choices we don't like. Asking her to think of some choices she's made that I didn't like helps her to humanize her birthmom who has made a "choice" not to maintain contact.

Pam Connell (2658) 25 Aug 2007 11:02 PM

You make a good point that it's not just about helping the kids feel good about themselves, but these talks also let them know that we are okay wtih who they are.