Superficially Engaging

by Anna Glendenning | More from this Blogger

13 Jul 2006 09:20 PM

It's been interesting talking with my neighbor about Reactive Attachment Disorder, maybe because during the past four-years I have had to learn everything as I went along. Most of my support system lost track of where we were at with whatever we were trying to do to help our daughter. It's been nice to have someone new to share with--now that we are used to this reality and not in a state of panic or despair.

Reactive attachment disorder is more then the set of Symptoms and Diagnostic Criteria RAD is a condition in which a child has difficulty forming loving lasting relationships. A child with RAD may have no ability to be genuinely affectionate with anyone else. People with RAD don't know how to trust, they aren't able to allow anyone else to be in control.

In public or with strangers a RAD child may appear to be extremely charming and very loving. Family friends, neighbors and grocery clerks see a child who is sweet and filled with flattering compliments and darling behaviors. Most people who don't understand what RAD is, mistake this behavior as the child trusting them. Other adults, often other mothers, are generally treated the most wonderfully by a child with RAD, that way the parents will be seen as real problems when they attempt control, or direct the child.

"Look How Mean These Parents Are! And YOU know how sweet I am...."

Parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, live in a difficult emotional vacuum. The outside world sees a child who appears willing to love and adore anyone, yet the parents who actually love the child the most are pushed away and REACTED to. If a child can't learn to trust and love their own parents, then it's impossible to love the next door neighbor!

Parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder need to have support in ways that ordinary people don't stop and think about. The parents need other adults, community leaders, family members, professionals and acquaintances who are willing to help the child learn to trust and depend on his or her parents first. A clear message needs to be given to a child that they have the correct, safe and parents they should have.

When we stop and consider that if a child has RAD then they have most often lived a very difficult life, authority may have been seen as the enemy and people have come in and changed things with a few words several times in the child's life. Trust takes a very long time to build and trust is the foundation for attachment.

I am glad, I'm sharing some of these things with our new neighbor and so far feel I am not dumping a huge load of private information about my daughter out. The details about Makala's life story are hers to decide to share or not, the fact is that I am her mommy now and I love her very much. If the neighbor lady is willing to understand some of the basic ways she can help my daughter heal then I will take the time and establish what I can.

Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms: A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z

For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.

Learn more about Anna Glendenning

Anna Glendenning is a mother of four. Two biological children grown and out of college, and two siblings and adopted together in 2003. Anna's Personal Website http://www.adoptiveparentsnetwork.

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