Strangers to our Own

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

Scenario on the airplane trip home:

Flight attendant: "How will she react on the plane?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, how is she usually with loud noises? With staying in her seat? With other people around?"

"I have no idea."

(Later, as toddler is screaming): "Does a pacifier or a bottle calm her down?"

"I have no idea; I'll try it."

(Later, as she is still screaming): Another woman: "I have some children's Benadryl you could use to get her to sleep...or is she one of those kids who reacts by getting agitated?"

"I have no idea."

First doctor visit home, we are sent to a lab for tests.

Technician: "Will she do better if you hold her?"

"I have no idea; I'd like to try it."

"Do you think we should approach her gently or just do it as quickly as possible?"

"I have no idea."

"How do you usually handle doctor appointments?"

"I have no idea what they usually do for her; this is my first time taking her to a doctor." (I get a funny look because child is a year old. Maybe they think I'm a neglectful mother. Worse, maybe they think I've stolen her. At best, maybe they think I'm the babysitter.)

Three weeks after arrival home, she needs an ECG (cardiac ultrasound imaging).

Cardiologist: "Do you think we'll need to plan on sedating her?"

"I have no idea."

"Well, is she a calm child normally, or a more highly -strung type?"

"I have no idea."

I think you get the picture. One of the awkward things about adopting a child older than a newborn is that they have distinct personalities, preferences, habits, fears and comforting things-and you don't know what those are. I'm sure it's a bit disconcerting for the flight attendants, nurses, other moms, and anyone we see in public when we don't seem to know our own children, but the truth is-we are strangers to them and they are strangers to us. They haven't heard our voices in the womb, and they have had caregivers use routines and little habits that we cannot duplicate fully.

Even at a young age kids have personalities, and parents develop rituals of comfort that we are often only half-aware of ourselves, and can't or don't think to explain to others. Perhaps it's a certain tune we hum while barely realizing it. Perhaps it's holding the child against daddy's throat so she can feel the vibrations when he murmurs to her in his deep voice. One child likes to be swaddled or held tightly; another panics at this same treatment.

I remember being unsuccessful at calming my youngest, although the foster mother had said she calmed down when walked. Finally I went back through all the developmental reports and one of them noted that the foster mother had said she carried the baby with her face turned inward slightly, almost in a nursing position. This made all the difference in the world.

Tell those who need to know that the placement was recent, and ignore the looks from those who don't. The only thing that matters is that you care for your child; you don't owe anyone else an explanation.

Relax-you will get through this time. You are strangers now. You will form a bond. You will gradually get to know your child and respond instinctively. Even mothers who birth their children need time to develop the instinct. I vividly remember being told while I was pregnant that I would learn to distinguish my son's "different cries" to know what he needed. When he was two weeks old a friend with a baby a few months older visited. She offered to watch both babies while I took a shower. I heard a baby cry and nearly cried to myself in the shower, "Not only do I not know what that cry means, I can't even tell if it's my baby or not!"

Two months later I could easily distinguish a hungry cry, a wet cry, and a hurt or startled cry. You will too, really. Enjoy the process of getting to know each other.

Please see these related blogs:

How Do You Introduce Yourself to Your Own Child? -Part One: Prepare Them

Introducing Yourself to Your Child-Part Two: The Meeting

Hating the Carseat and Other Cultural Differences

Adjustment at Home

Ease Your Child's Transition: Learn Cultural Child Care Practices

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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