Sibling Issues in Adoption

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

29 May 2007 05:18 PM

I've recently blogged about adopted children's adjustment at home and about grandparents' relationships with the new child . Today I'd like to devote some attention to siblings.

Much of what is written about sibling rivalry in general will also apply to adoptive families, of course. Kids who have been only children seem to have more trouble while a sibling is newly placed than those who are already used to sharing their parents' attention. But there are two major differences: timing and age.

When a child's mother is pregnant he knows, for a few months at least, that things are changing. When a sibling is being adopted, it may not seem tangibly real to a child. The timeline may extend months past when you originally told your child to expect a sibling's arrival, or conversely it may be more sudden than you expect.

If the adopted child is not a newborn, he may have a more immediate impact on a sibling. A newborn does not move around and get into the sibling's things. He may sleep a lot, leaving the parents one-on-one time with the sibling. (At least I'm told many kids are better sleepers and nursers than my son was.)

A newborn also generally has not experienced as much trauma as an older baby or child placed for adoption. The cry of a grieving baby is unique from other baby cries, to put it mildly. Or a child may not show grief, but may have difficulty bonding with the parents or others due to not having had a close relationship before. The sibling may resent how the child treats the parents, or imitate the new child's behaviors, or resent that parents may (hopefully only for a short time!) tolerate behavior in the new child they would not tolerate in their other children. Traumatized children or children with special needs may require more of the parents' time.

Siblings may not show their feelings in ways you expect. My son was nearly three when his sister arrived just before her first birthday. I anticipated that he might feel resentment toward her, but he was very loving and protective toward his sister. The problem was, he was suddenly defiant toward us, his parents. Sometimes I felt at though, while I was overseas, my child had been switched with another child's personality. I was almost ready to believe the old Irish fairytales about changelings in which the fairies change the spirits of their badly behaved children with those of good human children!

Another surprise was that my daughter was jealous of attention I showed my son. She had had one-on-one attention in her foster home.

However, siblings can also be very positive for newly placed children. I'll share more about this in my next blog, along with ways to help a sibling accept the changes a newly adopted child brings to his or her life.

Please see this related article:

Preparing the Sibling-In-Waiting Before Adoption Occurs

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

gina00 (680) 29 May 2007 08:08 PM

Thanks Pam :) It was good to read about the adjustment of your kids, too!! Our daughter came home about 1 month ago & she seems to be bonding & attaching well, but we've definitely seen defiance, tantrums, etc. in our son since her arrival. He loves his sister and is gentle & kind w/ her, though. I think it was hard on him when we left him w/ gma to go pick up his sister. I hope he'll turn the corner soon! Gina

Pam Connell (2658) 29 May 2007 08:53 PM

I figured that at least our son was putting his anger on the right people--we were responsible for the adoption, not our daughter, and we were the less vulnerable party for him to direct anger toward. How old is your son again?

gina00 (680) 31 May 2007 02:50 AM

He's 19 months & our new daughter is 12 1/2 mo.