Saying No To a Sibling Placement

by Melissa J | More from this Blogger

03 Sep 2006 01:03 AM

Last month I wrote a blog entitled "The Call for a Sibling" where I touched on how likely it was there would be additional children born to our sons' birth mothers. I'm going to further elaborate here on the pain of saying "no".

I wrote the following October 13, 2005 while I was awake in grief and in prayer:

Who's Child Are You?

Who's child are you

sent from above?

Many homes waiting

to offer you love.

Forming in chaos

I hear your soul cry,

"Pray for my life,

my mom's getting high."

Longing hearts waiting

to wipe away tears;

I just want to hold you,

will I worry for years?

Prayers for protection,

God's love is true;

who is the family

He's chosen for you?

Fear fills my mind

while hope fills my heart.

I so want to know you

whether you're mine or you aren't.

Who's child are you,

I'll ask this again,

'til the moment my Lord

puts His peace within.

Part of me wanted to take in this baby so much. I knew our family wasn't finished recovering from the last adoption. My poem shares the pain of feeling helpless, not able to protect my son's developing brother and fear we'd never know him. God has been gracious. It looks like the adoptive mother and father of some of my son's birth siblings may be adopting this baby who is currently in foster care.

Setting You Free

Little one

I long for you

but have to set you free.

I wish there was

another way

but I think it's meant to be.

To hold you near

and dry your tears

is what I'd like to do.

But I think that God

has a family

waiting just for you.

My heart just aches

and my mind wonders

of all that can not be.

I hope one day

you'll understand

and thank God

for your family.

Will my children understand?

Can my heart take the pain?

Will I ever have some rest?

How do I say no?

How do I move on?

How do I know what's best?

Lord, help. Be with me

day by day

help me know it's right.

Take this child's hand

and walk with them.

Be the guiding light...

I wrote this poem shortly after the first one. Once I was able to let this little one go emotionally, it was easier to let my other son's birth brother go. When a friend of mine talked about having to say no to accept her children's birth sibling, she described her pain like having to leave her baby at the hospital. I didn't want to have to live with that pain, or face my children when they asked me why we couldn't keep their brothers with them. Since these poems, we've been informed that yet another baby is due early this next year. I'm pretty sure there will be more opportunities in the future to say yes, should it be God's will for our family.

I think each family has to think about their own. We had to look at our childrens' current needs. Bringing a baby into our home could be detrimental to our kids' development since so much time was being focused on their special needs. Likely this baby was going to have special needs as well. I think our kids will understand the reasons for our decision. We know there are lots of homes waiting for these little ones. We're just so glad at the hope that he'll get to grow up with his birth siblings.

Poems were originally published on www.HappyMomAnna.com and are permitted property of MJ (Melissa J).

Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog

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Megan Bayliss (3586) 03 Sep 2006 01:13 AM

I got goosebumps reading your poetry. It is alive with soul feeling. I am glad your sons have you MJ.

Lisa P (24013) 03 Sep 2006 08:12 AM

This brought tears to my eyes and I don't even know the children involved. I can't imagine the angst you've been through. Thank you for sharing.

DianeScraps (4230) 03 Sep 2006 08:27 AM

Thanks for sharing, though I haven't been in the situation of having additional children appear from my daughters birthfamilies, it is something that has troubled me.

Melissa J (13710) 03 Sep 2006 08:53 PM

Thanks ladies. Like I stated, after getting over this first hurdle of saying no, the second time was easier. I really kind of home this next baby isn't a girl because I know it will be difficult to say no.

Grammi58 (396) 03 Sep 2006 09:02 PM

Everytime I read that poem, I start tearing up. I guess I'm just emotional.

Anna Glendenning (4234) 04 Sep 2006 10:09 PM

Thank you MJ.... We came home from our vacation Saturday to find a letter in our mailbox..... A little Angel was born a few weeks ago our children's baby sister.... and of course tomorrow I have to make the call and let the state know that at the age of 43 a brand new baby sister is not possible for us.

Thanks MJ for listening to me cry this one out the other night....it is so hard and as I have told you in the past, a part of me feels that I just left my baby at the hospital... I am so glad you blogged these poems and will go cry one more time......... I NEVER expected that I would be asked to make this decision so many times..... Your poems help.

Anna

Melissa J (13710) 05 Sep 2006 07:59 PM

Thank you Anna. I hadn't planned on releasing this blog until the end of the month. I hope it helps to know someone's BTDT. You helped me too durring that first time of saying no. I hope you're peace will come too.