Reading and Thinking about Birthmothers

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

19 Jan 2008 08:12 PM

Reviewing all these adoption books has got me wondering. I've always read adoption books to the kids, but not ones that focus on birthmothers as much as the ones I've been reading lately.

Over and over I read interviews with adopted teens and adults saying that they were curious about their birthparents and longed to talk about them, but their adoptive parents didn't seem open and/or the kids feared hurting the adopted parents' feelings. Social workers now seem to counsel parents to speak openly about birthparents. Recently a spate of books dealing with birthparents have been published, such as Mommy Far, Mommy Near; Did My First Mother Love Me? We See the Moon, The Tummy Mummy and Never, Never, Never Will She Stop Loving You, as well as the classic The Mulberry Bird.

I don't want my children to think they can't wonder about their birthparents. They know their birthmother's name and that they grew in her tummy. We read The Three Names of Me (to read my review of it, click here) and they seemed interested but not terribly moved.

But sometimes I wonder if our bringing it up is helpful to the children, or if they think we are emphasizing their difference from their brother; emphasizing that they were not born to us. I don't want them to feel sad or guilty about their birthmother. (At least one expert has agreed with me in saying that we shouldn't tell our kids that their birthmother "must be very sad from missing you."

I have one adult friend who was adopted from Korea as a baby. She is now beginning a search for her birthmother. I told her that some international adoptions and many if not most domestic adoptions are starting to be open from the beginning now. "Oh no," she responded, "I wouldn't have wanted to know my birthmother while I was growing up. That would have been confusing for me and my family. I think it's good for some people to search when they're eighteen."

Granted this was her immediate reaction without taking time to reflect, and it probably reflected the prevalent attitude when we were growing up that open adoption was something "weird".

I don't want to overload the child with concepts they can't understand. I want them to feel secure in our family. But I also want them to feel proud of where, and who, they came from.

I guess it goes back to the "ripples" concept expressed by adoption counselor Holly Gulden in her book Real Parents, Real Children: every so often, throw out a comment that could serve as a lead-in to a talk about adoption, race or birthparents and see if the child picks up on it. In this way the child can decide for him/herself when they are ready to ask questions, knowing their parents aren't afraid to address the topic.

Stories and illustrations, though, make the topic much more real and "in your face", so to speak. I honestly haven't figured out if and when this is wise or not. I can't help wondering how young is too young for these stories. It's one thing if a child knows her birthmother, but another to introduce a fictional character whose story may or may not match the story of your child's birthmother. Nonetheless, the books are helpful for parents to read while the children are young, to get us thinking about how we will handle those questions when they arise.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Please see this related blog:

The Trend to Open Adoption

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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gina00 (680) 20 Jan 2008 12:47 AM

Thank you for all the WONDERFUL resources!!!! I appreciate all your research! Gina

centraloregonmom (295) 21 Jan 2008 03:37 PM

We recently borrowed "Did My First Mother Love Me" from our local library (in fact our local library has compiled helpful lists of children's books on various topics including adoption, divorce, and losing a pet). My daughter has talked a lot about her birth mother lately, I think at the age of 7, she has noticed that her yearly visits with her birthmother have stopped. The book was helpful, she is old enough to understand that it is not HER story, but similar and we talked about the differences. It helped facilitate the discussion that her birthmom did/does love her, even though she is making a choice to not see her. I do think there is a downside to the open discussions about birth parents, in that as adults, we don't have all the answers to their difficult questions. I'm glad she knows she can ask them, but how do you answer your little girl when she asks why her birth mom doesn't want to see her?

Pam Connell (2658) 25 Jan 2008 03:12 PM

Hi Gina, that's a hard one. I have heard more and more lately that contrary to what people assume, it's often the adoptive family that wants more contact than the birth family does. (Does your daughter have birth grandparents who've ever been involved? They might still want a relationship and might be able to help your daughter understand her bmoms' problems....please remember I'm not an expert here, just brainstorming!

Books on international adoption talk about loving birthparents whom you don't see or who have abandoned...and I'll try to see if there are any books on foster care that deal more specifically with not seeing birth family.

centraloregonmom (295) 28 Jan 2008 07:33 PM

Birth grandparents and birth-dad are completely out of the picture. Without going into detail, they would not be appropriate to visit with, even if they had expressed an interest at some point. At this point, I wonder if it would have been easier to not have the contract we have. If she had never had visits, then she wouldn't notice something missing? But then, I think back and remember why we did it in the first place - for her. And when she's older, I think she will appreciate that she does have those early pictures, and hopefully at some point b-mom will be ready to re-connect... if for no other reason than for the sibs. Or, at some point the kids will all be adults, and they will be able to track each other down. I have promised she can write a letter by the end of this year (partly an incentive for her to work on her handwriting), and I intend to keep that promise... but tracking down where to send it is going to be a challenge - I guess I didn't promise it'd actually be received. Yes, some sort of children's book addressing these issues would be nice... but it isn't exactly the positive side of adoption, and how do you "spin" it with nice watercolor drawings and poetry? Guess I'm just feeling a bit cynical tonight.