Raising an Adopted Child #5 Ages 8-12 Grieving and Self-Esteem

by Anna Glendenning | More from this Blogger

06 Feb 2006 07:25 AM

Self-esteem is an important factor in the developing school-age child. Self-esteem is a child's overall judgment of themselves. Good self-esteem is important for all children and influences self-confidence, creativity, and motivation. Healthy self-esteem gives a child pleasure in being who they are and who they can become. Self-esteem over shadows academic capability, physical beauty, opportunity and social skills.

All children need to feel successful in all areas of development, academic, social, and emotional. For adopted children he or she must also incorporate their adoption or foster care status into their view of themselves. Some studies actually show that the self esteem of an adopted child is often high or even higher then their non-adopted peers.

As an adopted child learns to understand that "adoption" means a "loss" of their birth family, they may go through a grieving process. This process is much the same as grieving when someone the child loves dies. Children go through similar stages of denial. Adopted children may decide the adoption never happened or can be reversed.

Children overcoming Grief move from denial to anger at those who left them. Sometimes the grief anger is misdirected toward the adoptive parents because they just happen to be there. Children also experience sadness because they know their lives were changed something that could have been is not going to happen. Adopted children usually reach some kind of acceptance and overcome grief.

As Children enter later elementary school years, they begin to think of the implications of being adopted, What do other people, especially their friends, think about them? Do their Adoptive parents love them less because they were not born to them?

These feelings all tie into the reasons an adopted child thinks they were placed by, or removed from their birth parents. Some important things to remember with elementary school age adopted children are:

• Be Sensitive to the fact children in this age group just want to Fit In and be the same as all the other kids.
• Adopted children at this age would rather not be singled out because they are adopted.
• Read stories about adoption, as well as ones that only mention adoption in passing.
• When a new baby is born into the family or a peer of your child's family, take the opportunity to talk about some of the other ways children join families.
• Teach them about other adopted people who are famous or made great contributions to the world.

Children move through grief at their own pace, some stages of grief last longer then others and some stages will repeat during different developmental stages. No matter how a child grieves loss, parents can help them develop self-esteem and overcome the grief. This is a important developmental stage for an adopted child and one that adoptive parents want our children to experience while they are young.

Adoptive parents need to avoid brushing over the grief they may see expressed by their child. Parents who are not supportive and accepting of this stage of development run the risk of being emotionally cut off from their adopted child. Children who follow the normal developmental milestones will be more emotionally secure.

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For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.

Learn more about Anna Glendenning

Anna Glendenning is a mother of four. Two biological children grown and out of college, and two siblings and adopted together in 2003. Anna's Personal Website http://www.adoptiveparentsnetwork.

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