Our Flawed Birth Mother

by Fatherofeight | More from this Blogger

01 Dec 2006 01:48 PM

The story of the birth mother of our five adopted sons may prepare those of you who want to adopt children out of a state foster system for what could be ahead for you. Lola, not her real name, was born to an abusive mother herself. She was adopted at three years old. I do not know much of her early history although many of the professionals who have examined her think that she has fetal alcohol syndrome, which is very serious.

By age fifteen, she had run away from her adoptive home, never to return. She has been living on the street ever since. By the age of twenty-nine, Lola had given birth to seven children. The first two children had already been taken into the state foster system when we came on the scene.

Our first foster child was Lola's sixth in eight years. We had to take him to visit Lola twice a month, which is how we met the other three brothers. Within a few months, all four boys were living with us.

When we would visit her, she was always disheveled, barely dressed on occasion. The years of drug abuse and wild living had taken all but a few of her teeth. Frequently, she was so high that she had trouble walking. She never managed to stay for the entire visit. She would always get upset about something and rush away.

Lola had no child-care skills. She could barely change a diaper. She would say weird things to the kids and get angry with them very easily. On one occasion, the baby started crying when she held him and she started saying things like, "You're a stupid baby."

Another child was born and we also were able to have him in our home. Today, all five are our adopted children.

I have mixed emotions about Lola. She spent a significant amount of time in her life carrying our sons in her womb. But, we constantly deal with the damage that she inflicted on them. We wish her well but we are glad that she is out of our family's life.

Related Blog:

11 Things Some Adoptive Parents Would Like Birth Family by State Adoption to Know

Learn more about Fatherofeight

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

boyer3b (11) 06 Dec 2006 07:17 AM

Good stuff, Ed. I'll keep looking for more.

Michelle Vandepas (579) 06 Dec 2006 07:51 AM

It is so tough for parents who were abused or neglected themselves. I wish only the best for them but I'm glad you've got the kids. We have an open adoption with our childs birth mom, ... It is a great relationship, but emotionally mixed for me. Great blog

MountianMama (10) 07 Dec 2006 12:35 AM

Dear Ed, Good for you and Nancy. The abuse cycle will stop with these Children. They will grow up in a loving, healthy enviorment.

Linda Hansen (1796) 24 Jan 2007 12:50 PM

It is very, very hard for me not to judge our boys' bio mom. The multitude of diagnoses, hours and hours spent in drs. offices, therapist, psychiatrist, dental and orthodontal problems neglected over the yrs. I have had to clean up her neglect, so to speak. I have had to deal with the psychological trauma she put these kids through. And yet, I pray for her all the time. I worry about her safety. I am not such a great gal, I just know it's God's job to judge her and mine to take care of the boys. Artcraft

Fatherofeight (2475) 24 Jan 2007 06:32 PM

I have a love / hate relationship with Lola. She carried all five of our boys to full term. One of them favors her a little bit, so he reminds me of her now and then. He has brown hair, but in the sun, I can see an occasional red hair, I know where it came from. I hate what she did to our boys. The only thing that she ever did right was agree to let us have them, realizing for a moment that their welfare was the most important thing.