"Nightmare on My Street"

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

01 Nov 2008 03:46 AM

I've written recently about my daughter Regina's transition to kindergarten and about some extra issues that can come up for adopted children as they enter school.

Now there's a new wrinkle: Regina seems much happier at school and has mostly stopped having toileting troubles and long tantrums. However, now Meg is waking up every night with nightmares. Sometimes she is literally shaking when she wakes up. For her it has been Halloween every night for the past two weeks, it seems. She tries to snuggle into bed with us. One night I said I really wanted her to stay in her own bed because I had a headache and Dad a sore leg that I didn't want someone to bump into in a crowded bed. She then asked if she could sleep on the floor next to the bed! She is also having stomachaches (mostly at bedtime and when she can't sleep, true; but real nonetheless I think).

I wonder if this is because her learning differences are causing her to be further behind now that she's in third grade, or because girls can start to get cliquish at that age, or because someone said something teasing her.

And if it was teasing, how do I know what it was about? Being Asian and a different race from her family? Being adopted? Reading poorly? Having ears that protrude a bit? (We joke that Meg is a perfect match for our family because it's actually one of our family traits too.)

I think school is the likeliest of these issues. But how do I know? Adoption experts say that perhaps one reason adopted kids may have separation anxiety while transitioning to all-day school hard is that the early elementary years are also when they can developmentally understand more of the complexities of adoption. For example, that they may be chosen and dearly loved by their adoptive parents, but first someone chose not to raise them-why? (I realize that sometimes social and economic factors do not leave birthmothers much of a "free choice"-but that's something I'll have to help Meg understand later. )

Meg often doesn't want to describe the nightmares. Is that in itself a clue that they are adoption-related? In one of the nightmares, she was lost. Abandonment issues?

How do I know which extreme to err on the side of-that everything is related to adoption issues rather than more ordinary friendship or growing-up stuff, or on the side of not thinking about adoption issues at all.

Parenting adopted kids really isn't all that different from parenting any child, but there are a few more emotional as well as practical matters to keep in mind, I'm finding.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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centraloregonmom (295) 03 Nov 2008 08:22 PM

The never-ending frustration with these types of issues is: we'll never know. When my daughter went through the worst of her night terrors several years back we worried that it was adoption related (abandonment issues, new baby replacing her position in the family, attachment related???). But, then a LOT of kids go through night terrors. For those of you who have survived, these are not just nightmares... they are terrifying experiences for both the sleeping child and parents, they wake up (or sometimes don't quite) screaming, crying, yelling nonsense. Usually they don't remember what has frightened them in their sleep - it's not a case of won't, but truly can't. Anyway, we then were convinced it was a totally normal stage in development that a lot of kids go through in late toddler-dom (she was 4, but with DD, that puts her close to a 2 or 3 year old emotionally), and we hung on for dear life as our biological son entered that developmental stage. He never went through the terrors she did, he rarely even has a bad dream. Now, is this because he's not adopted? Or, is it just because they are very different kids emotionally (he tends to wear his emotions right on his sleeve, so it doesn't build up?)? Or, because of the different genetic make-up? I drove myself crazy with these types of questions for a while (while convinced the night terrors were going to come eventually for him, too). It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I will never know why she agonized with night terrors when during the day she seemed so well adjusted. And, I'm sure it won't be the last time we deal with the unanswered questions of adoption and raising kids in general! They are such a mystery, when will we get a handbook!??