My Reactions to The Girls Who Went Away

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

28 Jul 2008 10:09 PM

I have just written a blog reviewing Ann Fessler's book The Girls who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe V. Wade. It's an awfully long blog for a book report. Yet I felt I couldn't do this book justice in one blog.

This blog is some personal musings of mine. I've just spent most of the day rereading the book for the third time.

Of course I have known that birthmothers of 1945-1973 were often acceding to pressure from their parents, boyfriends, or schools, which did not welcome (and often did not allow) pregnant girls or women to attend.

Yet, it was still stunning to me to realize how coercive the entire environment was for these birthmothers. Fessler powerfully evokes the bonds of family approval and societal norm. Many of the mothers report being told that they did not deserve to have these babies, the babies deserved a better home, they couldn't disappointment the couples who were waiting to adopt, those couples had so many more advantages to offer the child...etc.

Some mothers were directly told they couldn't take the baby home until they paid the full cost of their room and board and the baby's care. Many were told by their families that they couldn't come home with their babies at all. Some were told that their parents' health was suffering under the stress of what their daughters had "done to them", or that parents were in danger of losing their jobs for what their daughters had done. I was also stunned to read of the cold way many unmarried women were treated by social workers and hospital staff.

Even when there was no single statement which might be technically called coercion, the reader gets a sense of the relentless drumbeat of negativism these mothers faced.

The mothers reported not having legal advice or having been told about social programs, food stamps, or anything that would help them have their children.

One mother pointed out that she did passively agree to letting the child be placed. Still, it's hard to understand how some of these girls could resist the pressure. I can still remember myself twenty-five years ago. I remember thinking that I was all grown up, but at the same time knowing that I really was a lot more dependent on my parents than I wanted to admit. I was unable to imagine myself apart from the family.

I think this book's greatest strength is in the details in the storytelling of Fessler and the mothers. It makes us feel like we are there and we can empathize with them. Fessler says one of her hopes is that adoptees will read the book and realize that they were not unwanted, that in many cases the birth parents very much wanted to parent them.

Please see these related blogs:

Book Review: The Mulberry Bird

Thinking About Other Parents

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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reunitedmomL (37) 03 Aug 2008 11:22 PM

Pam,You said"Yet, it was still stunning to me to realize how coercive the entire environment was for these birthmothers. Fessler powerfully evokes the bonds of family approval and societal norm. Many of the mothers report being told that they did not deserve to have these babies, the babies deserved a better home, they couldn't disappointment the couples who were waiting to adopt, those couples had so many more advantages to offer the child...etc. sadly Pam, much of this mindset still excists and Mothers are told how she will be on welfare and therefore her child will not have the advantages he/she deserves..She is told her baby needs a two parent home to be happy.She is not told that her child may feel as though they were not wanted by their mothers. being young is tempoary, adoption is permante She is not told that adoptive parents are no better/no worse than nonadoptive families.The mom won't be told that the number of teens in therapy is higher than in non adoptive homes..She will not be told that adoptive parents can abuse,divorce,lose jobs,become homeless,be substance abusers,have affairs etc.Will they? Hopefully not,but who knows? The time allowed to change her mind has been cut down since" The baby scoop Era" Adoptive parents are now in delivery rooms and that is coercive. She is told she will make an infertile couple happy and she doesnt want to go back on that now does she? She is told that if she loves her child she will give her child to a more worthy family.Have you read The Dear Birthmother letters? They bring home that these people are and will be everything that she isn't. I expect to read at some point they walk on water.In truth ,our government is wanting to bring back those good old days by cutting services for single moms,and cutting choices so that the only choice she will have is to surrender her baby.Adoption can not continue if the truth was told to pregnant Moms because no good Mother would surrender her baby to adoption if she knew of the lifetime of pain for her and her child. Coercion is packed now with the promise of open adoption which is not legally binding in most states.The maternity homes are now looking like resort hotels but the "'counselors "are employed by the agencies and we already know what they want to have happen. Agencies will even suggest ways around telling the fathers so he won't be able to claim his child.They also have no problem telling them they don't need to consult their families if the agency feels the parents may speak against adoption. Yes ,some things have changed but the agenda is the same. Business tactics have just been revamped. Coercion like dead fish can be wrapped in a pretty paper with a bow but when it is unwrapped it still stinks..Have a truth-filled day.Linda Webber

Kara (21380) 04 Aug 2008 09:53 AM

Most adoptive mothers love their children as they are their own. They are adoptive mothers because they want to help a child who would otherwise end up in foster care or because they cannot have a child of their own. They don't want to take children from anyone who can take care of their child. Most adoptive parents are very nice people and very good parents.