More Reaction to: The Girls Who Went Awayby Pam Connell | More from this Blogger 29 Jul 2008 02:10 AM This is my third blog on the powerful book, The Girls Who Went Away: Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption During the Decades Before Roe v. Wade. One disquieting aspect of the book is a letter written to the author about a 2003 adoption. The writer was a friend of the adoptive parents, who had supported and housed the young mother during her pregnancy, then felt betrayed when she didn't sign the papers right away. She did end up placing but the letter writer was still uneasy. She felt that the girl would have parented her baby given the right resources. I can feel for the adoptive parents too, having both emotionally and financially invested so much in this young woman and her baby. I know it is common for people adopting infants to pay for prenatal care and living expenses. It just seems there must be a way that doesn't make people so dependent on each other before the baby is even born. Many things are different now. Nevertheless, as the letter writer reminds us, it is too easy for there to be pressure or a sense of obligation pushing the mother to place the child for adoption. I am also uneasy with the book's very title. It seems to imply that Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision affirming a woman's right to an abortion, is the solution and that these things don't happen anymore. Yet people who've had abortions as well as placed babies for adoption have reported symptoms resembling post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). And why wouldn't they? Even under the best of circumstances, being separated from your child is a huge grief. One thing the book reminded me of was how terminology affects people differently. Today we are told to say that birthparents make an adoption plan for their children, not "put them up" or "gave them away" for adoption. However, some birthparents, such as many of those in Fessler's book, were not really allowed to "make a plan". They really did surrender, the term Fessler uses, to the relentless hopelessness everyone around them had about their being a parent. So the term "make a plan" is offensive to them. The touching title of Fessler's book refers both to the euphemism "she went away" for girls who went to another place where no one knew them to have their baby-often telling people she was caring for a sick aunt, visiting a relative, etc. But the phrase also comes from one mother quoted in the book, describing how she felt since surrendering her child: "It's as if part of you went away when that happened. A really big part of you went away and you pretend that it didn't. You don't know who you are anymore. It's like suddenly you got cut in half. So what you really end up being is half a person who pretends she's whole." Learn more about Pam Connell  Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism. Relevantadoption tags relationships | pregnancy | baby | christmas | Scrapbooking | parenting | family | holidays | children | Food User Comments droessle (15) 31 Jul 2008 08:57 PMI appreciate that you took the time to read Ann Fessler's book. I relinquished in that era, the Baby Scoop Era as it was known, when there was no choice. No legal abortion. No support for single parenthood. That mothers are still coerced into relinquishing in this day and age disturbs me. And they are! The adoption industry has had to become more clever and manipulative to meet the needs of (and make the money from) couples who want children. Not just children, but babies, the fresh slate. Research shows that children are better off in their families of origin. If not financially, at least emotionally. Something that prospective adoptive parents like to ignore. I said it before, and I'll say it again: live with what life has dealt you. If the demand for babies stops, adoption will wither and die. As well it should. Help the children who wouldn't otherwise have homes, older children who languish in foster care. If adoption serves any purpose at all, it should be for the children. Not the parents! vellie007 (5) 22 Nov 2008 12:55 AMI never heard of this book but just ordered it. I too was treated the same in 1975. My parents hid me from the public and I was supposed to go to an unwed mothers home. I was told it closed, but recently found out it did not, so I do not know the story of what happened. My parents are both passed away now and my family never talked about my giving birth and forced to give my son up. The gyn doc blindfolded me during labor, which I thought was stupid as I could not see without my glasses and for heavens sake that does not stop the feelings of childbirth. A nurse snuck my son into my room so I was able to hold him. I went on with my life, leaving home and the state and never returned to live there. I am now a health care professinal and have learned that when I held my son that allowed us to bond. I have never been able to maintain a relationship which I understand is I fear that what I love will be taken away from me. I do have a daughter ,we are very close. As a young child she would try to keep her playmates from leaving when it was time to go home. I now wonder if her unconcious felt something was missing from her life. I have recently found my birthson who is now 33. We have not met or talked, but his adoptive mom has written me. He shares so many of the same interests as my daughter that is mind boggling. He has never married and even though raised by a loving family who gave him everything, had trouble as a teen and is very reserved. I think that he may have attachment disorder. I hope that he will want to meet me I guess I just hope that if we do meet that somehow his heart will heal as well as mine. Maybe wishful thinking  Pam Connell (2658) 23 Nov 2008 01:11 AMVellie, thank you for sharing your story. I wish the best for you, your son and his family, and your daughter. Discuss this article
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