Lucky Ones

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

Sometimes people will mention how lucky my kids are to be adopted. In one sense I suppose that's true. They have a loving family and a good education. It is not as likely they would have received these with their birth families.

But I'm always uncomfortable when people say this. First of all, sometimes they say this in front of the children. Imagine how this sounds to them. Now, if someone comments that my husband and I are lucky to have found each other, that's one thing. But imagine, for example, that someone who knows your husband but has only just met you says to you solemnly, "You are a very lucky girl that he married you, you know."

I wouldn't quite know how to take it, but as much as I agree with the conclusion, I wouldn't exactly feel honored by this one-sided pronouncement. I've written before about when people ask in front of the children if they are "really" brother and sisters or which ones are "my own". Sometimes they say things like, "why would the people in Korea bother to ask you so many questions [referring to the homestudy and medical issues] as long as they don't have to take care of the kids anymore?"

As I've said before, it always amazes me what people will say in front of the children.

We don't want our children feeling like charity cases. Like all parents, we feel blessed to have our children. Usually the best response I've come up with is, "we're the lucky ones". I hope this will let the kids know how lucky we feel to be their parents. But next time I may focus on how lucky we are to have been brought together. That's how I feel about my husband after all-we began our lives not knowing each other, and we are as bonded as can be now.

But there is one final, very important reason why I don't like it when people say how lucky adopted children are. "Luck" seems to imply an undeserved bonus. My children have what they ought to have as children of God: a loving family, security, a chance to learn and grow. I'm not naïve-I know that not all children have this. But we need to keep working on the world until all children do.

Please see these related blogs:

Book Review: Beyond Good Intentions: A Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally Adopted Children

Not So Far Away

Book Review: We Wanted You

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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