Life after Adoption: Secret Fears

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

01 Jul 2009 03:01 PM

I recently reviewed Jana Wolff's Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. My last two blogs share some of My Own Secret Thoughts as we began the adoption process and My Secret Suspicions while we were out of the country adopting.

When we considered adopting, I had some fears about life after adoption as well. Some of these are embarrassing to admit. I worried a bit about whether it would be hard for me to find her in a large group of Korean kids, such as at culture camp. My siblings and I each have a different hair color, so it was easy for me to tell who was who from the back.)

Of course, my children look much different than any others to me. One of my children has a very distinctive appearance even among other Korean children. She has a slight wave to her dark brown-not black-hair. My youngest daughter, Regina, has the straight black bobbed hair that I typically associate with Korean or Chinese girls. (Ironically, my sister's child, although Caucasian, has glossy black hair and from the back, it's hard to know whether it is her or Regina. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but my brother-in-law commented on it again the other day: "You know, from any angle except dead-on, these two are twins.")

I am also discovering that it is now easier-although far from foolproof--for me to see differences among Asians-both between, for example, East Asian from Southeast Asian, and individual differences as well.

I also worry what other Asians will think. Will they think I'm not exposing the girls to their birth culture? Will they think I'm unwittingly stereotyping their culture? If I do get it right, will they think I'm trying to appropriate their culture?

Will they think I don't teach the girls to behave as well as they would have been taught in their birth country? Or conversely, will they think the girls are being raised more strictly?

I wonder if Meg and Regina will feel badly about the circumstances of their birth and the fact that they had to leave the foster mother who lovingly cared for them for almost a year. I wonder if they will wish to return to Korea for while, like some adult adoptees.

I wonder about the balance we are striking. Will Meg be mad that we didn't make her keep up her Korean? Will she be mad that we did make her study Korean when she didn't want to? Will the girls be mad that we didn't go to every Korean culture thing that the adoptee group does? Will they think we overemphasized their birth culture too much, making them feel different? (For that matter, will they wonder why the Korean culture events put on by adoptive family groups don't seem to involve any non-adopted Koreans?)

I will probably never know if I am making the right choices until decades from now. But that's not so different from all parents.

I am happy to report that I did not lose my daughter among the hundred or so Korean girls at culture camp.

I do still mix up two of her camp-mates.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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