Letting Go of Control

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

Meg's biological sister's prognosis now looked much more favorable, but there were still unknowns. I now admit that, while giving lip service to the idea "nobody's perfect", I still had in my head the longing for an ideal family. I felt drawn to special needs, but only to those I knew about, such as dyslexia, or could control or fix, like a cleft palate.

I used to hear mothers of kids with special needs talk about the gifts the child had brought to the family. I heard them say they wouldn't want any other child but the one they had, and recognized that most parents would say the same. But I still felt sorry for these parents, thinking they were missing out on something.

I have heard people tell me they could never adopt because it would be too difficult to discuss with a child the reasons their birthparents relinquished. They ask us if the girls struggle with the knowledge of their adoption, or if they feel badly that they weren't born to us as our son was.

At first I wondered about these issues too. It was hard to imagine a child I loved suffering in any way. Could I help a child with a facial difference endure teasing? Could I be patient enough to reach a hyperactive child? How would I explain abandonment? What if our child cried for her birthmother?

I finally realized that all children deal with something, whether it's being clumsy, not good in school (or, conversely, "too smart" for the other kids), having financial challenges, family members' death or divorce. I had to give up some control. It was reasonable to assess what special needs we could take on. But I had to let go of the idea of the perfect family. Having done that, I can now realize that the very things I was afraid of -Regina's intensity, for example--are gifts.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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