Is It Right to Sever Family Ties?

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

When I reviewed the book Adoption,from the Opposing Viewpoints series(you can read my review by clicking here), my attention was drawn to one author who argued for the elimination of adoption. She did accept that sometimes children must live apart from their biological parents for their own safety, but maintained that a child's name and identity should never be changed and there should always be some kind of contact.

Of course, no one can change a child's identity. It is foolish for adoptive parents to think that a child's genetics, prenatal and birth experiences, and early life experiences will have no impact on who that child is.

The author argued for some kind of "legal parenting" if absolutely necessary, but the child should retain the original name and contact with the family.

It wasn't clear to me how the author would feel about open adoption, where the child knows his or her original name and is able to have contact with the original family. Perhaps that is more similar than she knows to what she envisions.

However, I wonder if she thinks "legal parenting" is permanent? There is such a thing, at least in the U.S., as temporary guardianship. Sometimes a family member such as a grandparent may be named the temporary legal guardian of a child if the child's parents are not caring for the child responsibly. There is also foster parenting where children placed with non-relatives trained and approved by the state until the parents are able to care for them.

I believe that children need permanence. Certainly there are situations where a parent can become a safe parent. However, children need stability and a sense of belonging to a family. If a child is to be raised by a "legal parent", they should be a part of that person's family. It doesn't mean they can't see their birth family any more, but it does mean that the legal family is permanent and able to make all decisions necessary for the child's well-being. As one adoption counselor put it, "adoption is not a joint custody agreement."

I believe it is best to retain some of the child's birth name, at least if the child is over six months old. I also favor changing the child's last name to the adoptive family's, not to erase the child's identity but to signify belonging to the new family. This makes the change in relationship clear to the child, the adoptive family, the birth family, and the community.

Please see these related blogs:

Naming, Claiming, and Letting Go

The Trend to Open Adoption

The Family Name

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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