Is it Okay to be Choosy? Part Two

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

07 Dec 2007 12:50 PM

My last blog introduced the topic of balancing wanting to adopt a child who really needs you with wanting to adopt a healthy child or a child who can do things you've always dreamed of doing with him or her.

Adoption should be a mutually beneficial arrangement. In some cases, material assistance to the birthmother or an international child sponsorship agreement may be a better option. In other cases, a stable home life will not be possible with the birth family even with assistance.

Adoption should mutually benefit the adoptive parents and child by allowing the parents to have joy in the child. There are many parents who find this joy by adopting children with Down's syndrome or other disabilities. But parents should not feel obligated to sacrifice their deepest dreams of parenthood.

A good match also benefits the child. My husband and I agonized over a child whom we had known had two handicaps, but whose records soon revealed a third handicap which we did not feel prepared to accept. My sister pointed out to me that adopting a child with severe mental challenges might mean not adopting a child who could most benefit from the education we can offer. The first child might receive just as much love and happiness in a setting without those educational resources. We turned down that referral, and adopted two more children, one who has needed early intervention services and one in whom I noticed subtle signs of two learning disabilities and was able to get help very early. Both of them enjoy learning and will benefit from the specialized help we are willing to offer.

One thing I read somewhere helped me look at this issue in a new light. In response to the frequent comment, "Well, you love any child you get. If you gave birth to a handicapped child you'd keep them and love them." This is certainly true. Adoptive parents must always understand that any child may turn out to have hidden disabilities or medical conditions that don't become evident until after adoption, and that their birth child could have had the same problem.

But this writer pointed out that parents who have their children by birth also do some choosing. We choose our birth child's other parent. We may choose a mate without mental illness, with certain intellectual capacities, with talents and personalities compatible with ours. We largely control the prenatal environment our children experience. We are responsible for their early nourishment, affection, and experiences of trustworthy care.

None of these are guarantees against emotional problems, mental illness or disability, but they are choices birth parents make that improve the odds. Neither do adoptive parents need to feel badly about choosing to adopt a child whose history is compatible with our ability to care for him or her.

Please see these related blogs: Is it Okay to be Choosy? Part One

Turning Down a Referral

Foster Children Need Love

"His Life Is Definitely Not a Struggle." A Mother of a Child with Down Syndrome Shares Her Story

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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