Ignorant Comments

by Melissa J | More from this Blogger

25 Sep 2006 05:43 PM

Until my husband and I adopted, neither of us had given much thought about political correctness in reference to adoption. Prior to our adoptions, I made the same kinds of comments that I now hear from others. Some of these comments include"

"You mean they aren't yours?"

"Where is their real mom?"

"Are they real brothers?"

"My (so-and-so) couldn't have children of their own either."

There are a couple different ways of handling these cases. You can choose to be offended, or you can recognize that the person really doesn't understand, and be the one to educate them.

The day we got the call that we were selected to be parents, we were beyond thrilled. We went to Hallmark and bought our son who we had yet to meet a stuffed animal for babies. The lady at the counter asked if someone we knew just had a baby. We told her that we were just selected to adopt a one year old little boy. She lit up with excitement for us and said, "That's wonderful. Wow, you guys did it the easy way!" No, no, no, it wasn't easy! We didn't get on any waiting list, we didn't just get to pick out a kid, we waited to be selected for one of the many children we had our home study in on. To be honest, I don't recall how I handled that situation. I know I was dumbfounded.

There have been numerous comments made by people who really don't understand the process. Another one in particular was when my husband and I were at a jewelry store. I got to chatting with the lady about my son, and adoption came up. She automatically assumed that we were infertile because we adopted. Sadly, many have the attitude that choosing adoption is choosing second best. Yes, eventually we did learn that coincidently we were infertile, but that was never our motivation to adopt.

You might get tired of replying to ignorant comments. There may have been a time in your life that you too were uninformed. By taking the time to brush off some of the comments and educate on other ones perhaps we'll see a new awareness of attitudes toward adoption.

Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog

Learn more about Melissa J

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

Megan Bayliss (3586) 25 Sep 2006 07:08 PM

MJ, ignorance is a sign of a wasted brain. It bothers me that there is so much waste in the world. However, I learnt a long time ago that unchallenged ignorance is just as bad. Thank you for gently challenging adoption reason ignorance. This is one way to keep the stamina up because, you're right, it is tiring having to reply to ignorant comments from people who mean well but just don't have any idea around personal decisions or committments. Well done. Mxx

Gwyllum (301) 25 Sep 2006 11:38 PM

In my book, your family is made up of four precious people. Good on you, MJ. I hope you and your family enjoy a life as fantastic as my family have. There have been hard times but we have always had each other through incredible times of illness and lots of broken heart stuff. Go for it by living the example. People will know and notice. Keep speaking up and know there are others around the globe who are with you in spirit! God bless. Gwyllum.

Melissa J (13710) 26 Sep 2006 08:37 AM

Thank you both for your encouragement.

Jody Moreen (3274) 27 Sep 2006 02:06 PM

Positive adoption language that is edifying to those touched by adoption is often learned after adoption. I am an adult adoptee and have been in adoption circles and support groups for the past 12 years. As I began attending, it was there I learned of the more positive terms for referring to adoption and those touched by it. As you said Melissa, most persons do not go out of their way to be offensive when they use words that hurt or sting- they just are unaware and insensitive to to that. It is our job to continually eduacate others, write articles in our local papers, magazines, group or churche's newsletters and share the real world of adoption. Maybe a great article many could consider writing or sharing with others is Positive adoption language. What I find challenging is now their are birth mothers offended by that term- because for some they seem to define that as a "baby machine" which is sad. Some like to be called First Mothers. I guess in navigating this world of adoption- we have to keep an open mind and continually honor persons by using words they are comfortable with. Of course, we cannot be perfect, but strive to be sensitive. I co-authored an article with Sherrie Eldridge on the Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News site years ago that is called "Words that Hurt, Words that Heal" We all can education others! Blessings, Jody Moreen