I Don't Like My Skin, Part Two

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

10 Aug 2007 02:53 PM

How do you respond when your four-year-old tells you that she doesn't like her skin, she wants your skin? Here's what I did-and what I wish I'd done.

I'm not sure there's a right answer to that question. I followed my number one rule of trying to maintain a normal voice so the kids won't feel like any topic in unapproachable. I told her I liked her skin, it was a pretty golden brown color. I told her people can't trade skin. I told her God made her the way she was because he liked her that way, and God doesn't make mistakes. (As I said this I realized we had just been talking about getting her droopy eyelid fixed-fortunately she didn't pick up on this line of thought.)

If I had it to do over again, I might focus more on her feelings of wanting to be like me. I know that children her age are said to be gaining awareness of racial discrimination, but given the diverse area we live in, I think it was more a matter of wanting to be like Mom and Dad. I would remind her that both Mom and Dad have different hair color than either of their parents.

I might say that when I was younger I felt a bit different too. (I think I felt special, not bad, to be the only blonde in the family. But I do remember people always asking if I was adopted (I wasn't).

In the next few days I'll point out family similarities and differences-she has her father's and sister's sense of humor, her brother's inventiveness, she likes to read like Mommy, etc. She has a cousin who has different hair color than anyone in her immediate family, and another cousin whose shiny black bob is exactly like Regina's.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I'd love to hear your comments below, and how you responded.

Please see these related blogs:

I Don't Like My Skin, Part One

Examining my Own Attitudes Toward Race

Extended Families' Attitudes About Skin Color

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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centraloregonmom (295) 10 Aug 2007 07:59 PM

In my opinion, having not yet dealt with this exact situation, I think you handled it the way I would have (doesn't that make you feel better?! :-)). Because there is no way to make her skin just like yours or her dad's, I think the only thing you could do is focus on her beauty. Besides, even between caucasians there is no one "white". My husband is much darker complected than I, even though we are both of European decent. I think the best thing we can do with our daughters at this point is to boost their self confidence and self awareness, so they understand that they are different, that can't be changed, but they are beautiful in our eyes, in their own eyes and most importantly - in God's eyes!

Pam Connell (2658) 11 Aug 2007 03:00 PM

Thanks.