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When Grandparents Play Favorites—Part One

Life is not fair and that is definitely one of the challenges we parents face when it comes to teaching our children about how to get along in the world. Sometimes that lesson hits early and close to home and I have talked to many parents who confess that having grandparents play favorites is one of those early, painful and challenging family lessons… Sometimes, grandparents play favorites between families—a favored son or daughter’s children are the noticeable favorites—while other times they may choose one or two grandchildren who are the favs. To be fair, I think that often grandmas and … Continue reading →

Preparing for a Family Reunion

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Many adoptees report feeling part of their immediate families, but never quite feeling like “part of the gang” at extended family gatherings. Especially when these reunions are of people who live far from each other and don’t know each other that well, much of the talk may center on who looks like who, on memories of someone your child never met, on family history and ethnic traditions which your child may be conscious of not being a part of. Even if your child is used to looking different from you and your spouse, being the only brown child in a … Continue reading →

Second Grade is Too Young to Become a Hairdresser

Warning: Rant follows. Aaargggh! There, I feel better now. Sort of. What is it, you ask? Well, the short answer is…my mother. I know that’s not terribly original. I don’t even have that much to complain about. My mother really loves my kids. And even though she sends me newspaper clippings on tragic accidents that can happen to children when their parents aren’t careful, I know (though my husband may not believe it) how many times she restrains herself. So what happened? I was the one who started out worrying this time. My mother is a retired teacher. She specialized … Continue reading →

Attaching with Extended Family

Some adopted young adults say that although they felt a part of their immediate families, they never felt quite like “one of the clan” with their extended relatives. One adoptive mother theorizes that for relatives who live far apart, reunions tended to focus on genes and history, since relatives who had spent many years at a distance had few shared experiences to build a relationship on. Relatives commented on who had grown up to look like who, remembered family births, and told baby stories comparing new parents and their babies. This mother reported that her kids were likely to hear, … Continue reading →

Sibling Issues in Adoption

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I’ve recently blogged about adopted children’s adjustment at home and about grandparents’ relationships with the new child . Today I’d like to devote some attention to siblings. Much of what is written about sibling rivalry in general will also apply to adoptive families, of course. Kids who have been only children seem to have more trouble while a sibling is newly placed than those who are already used to sharing their parents’ attention. But there are two major differences: timing and age. When a child’s mother is pregnant he knows, for a few months at least, that things are changing. … Continue reading →