Disadvantages of Kinship Adoption

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

29 Apr 2008 05:58 AM

My last blog wrote about kinship adoption and its advantages. Of course, there are disadvantages as well.

The disadvantages include the muddling of relationships within the family. A birthmother may resent her parents or sibling for being able to raise the child when she cannot. She may have trouble letting go of the parental role if she sees her birth child at the family home or at family gatherings. The adoptive parents may also feel resentful, since they likely did not set out to adopt a child. They may feel that the birthparent's lifestyle forced them into the situation of choosing to parent their grandchildren full time, seeing them endure the foster care system, or risk losing contact entirely. (It should be noted that in many cases, caseworkers recruiting families for foster children stress to the families that they should keep open a grandparent or aunt/uncle relationship with relatives who have been supportive of the child, but may not feel able to parent full-time. However, agreements for visits, letters and photos often are not legally enforceable.) The adoptive parents may have difficulty "claiming" their child and feeling entitled to fully parent, discipline and make decisions about the child when they see the child's birthmother or father so frequently.

Oft-ignored relationships which face major change are those between the adoptive parents and their other adult children and their grandchildren. Grandparents who adopt a child may find themselves suddenly much less available to be "grandma and grandpa" to their other grandchildren. These other grandchildren may resent their new, same-age aunt or uncle/cousin because there can be no more sleepovers at Grandma's house. Grandparents who enjoyed being able to give treats to grandchildren and "spoil" them a little bit find themselves suddenly in the position of being disciplinarian. One grandmother explained that she had rather spoiled her grandchildren to make up for their birthparents' seeming neglect, but when the children became legally hers they were used to getting their own way with Grandma, who now had to become Mom.

Other adult children may resent their sibling the birthparent, feeling that he or she has abdicated responsibility and left the parents to "rescue" him/her and/or the child. They receive less time from their parents. They may worry about their parents' finances. They may feel their own children are deprived of grandparents. There may even be a sort of "competition" or hurt feelings as adult children raise a child, doing things a bit differently than their parents did, at the same time as those parents are themselves raising a child.

Many kinship adopters are also older. They may have medical difficulties themselves or may be caring for elderly parents. They may be retired and living on a fixed income. (If their children would otherwise have been in the foster care system, they may be able to get state subsidies for health care and some of the children's other expenses.) They may not have planned to start all over, changing diapers, chasing toddlers, driving carpools and chaperoning teenagers. They must learn about new safety issues, from car seats to internet safety.

Many kinship adopters find support groups in their area for grandparents raising grandchildren. If there are any kinship adopters reading this, I'd love to hear from you. How about starting a thread at the adoption forums at families.com?

The Post-Adoption Blues includes numerous vignettes and advice from grandparents and aunts, both married and single, raising their relatives' children

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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