Can This Child Really Be Mine?

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

20 May 2007 07:15 AM

First-time parents usually have some built-in times to celebrate parenthood with others: the announcement to their parents and friends, baby showers, making phone calls from the hospital, the homecoming with their baby in their arms, new mothers' groups and parent-baby classes. They know unequivocally that the child is theirs--by the birth certificate, by their own bodies' fatigue and scars, and by the reactions of everyone around them.

For adoptive parents, the journey is different. The timeline may be sudden. There may be false starts to the adoption process-a birthmother changes her mind, a country changes its requirements. They may be wary of making announcements to family and friends. Perhaps no one thinks to give them a shower, or perhaps no one knows what to get them not knowing how old the child will be when he or she comes home.

Most of all, there are other parents in the picture. Others have done the work of carrying, birthing, and initial caregiving.

Some adoptive parents report that it takes them a while to feel like parents. They have had to put themselves at the mercy of social workers and birthmothers to tell them if and when they can parent. Some report that it takes them a while to feel that this is really their child.

There are circumstances in which this happens to non-adoptive parents also. My friend's son was premature and spent two weeks in the special care nursery. Although my friend and her husband were at the hospital constantly, including most nights, they could take their son out of the incubator only when the nurse said they could. Others fed their son and instructed the parents in exactly how to hold and care for him. My friend said when their son finally came home, "For the first two weeks I almost expected someone to come to the door and say 'thank you for taking care of him; you're done now'."

These feelings are normal. But adoptive parents have to give themselves permission to parent. As one adoption expert is fond of saying, "Adoption [even open adoption] is not a joint custody agreement."

This becomes easier over time, and as your child attaches to your voice, your touch, your face. But some adoptive parents find it helpful to formalize this process through a ritual, whether privately, with the birthparents, with friends and family or with a larger community. My next blog will share some ways this is often done.

Please see these related blogs:

Naming, Claiming, and Letting Go

Adoptive Parenting Traits

New Year's Resolutions for Adoptive Parents

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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