Book Review: Real Parents, Real Children

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

15 Jan 2007 05:48 AM

My favorite adoption book of all time is probably Real Parents, Real Children: Parenting the Adopted Child, by counselor (and parent and sibling of adopted children) Holly Van Gulden and writer Lisa Bartels-Rabb. I read it first before we adopted our first daughter and have returned to it many times since.

The book begins and ends with discussion of adoption topics such as grief and loss, identity development, self-esteem, preparing for placement, postplacement adjustment, school issues and the adopted child. There is also a discussion which presents clinical information about bonding and attachment in everyday language.

The unique part of this book, however, is the largest section, "Growing Up Adopted: the Developing Child", which contains chapters for the major developmental stages: newborn, older baby and toddler, preschool, middle childhood, adolescence, adulthood. Each chapter in this section describes the major traits and psychological tasks of that developmental period, and provides specific information on how that may lead the child to think about adoption. For example, the "magical thinking" common to all preschoolers-believing they can make things happen by wishing or by behaving well or poorly-can lead preschoolers to think they were responsible for having to move. Van Gulden points out that even if children are adopted at birth, as they move through the developmental stages they will think about adoption differently and raise different issues at each stage. Each chapter contains suggestions on how to talk to children about adoption at each stage, and on special issues that may arise at each age for children adopted internationally or transracially. Each chapter begins with discussion of issues common to all adopted children at that age, then has a special section on "children moved during [the preschool stage]". Each chapter ends with a non-scary discussion of issues that can arise when a particular age does not go well for that child, i.e. when neglect occurs in infancy or trauma occurs at the young toddler stage or the middle childhood stage, and some signs to watch for.

Real Parents, Real Children may be purchased by clicking here.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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