Book Review : For the Love of a Child: The Journey of Adoption

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

Monica Blume, a social worker and counselor with LDS Family Services, once saw a young woman who had been adopted watch a film entitled " Adoption and Unwed Parents". Tears ran down the young woman's face.

"I never knew that my birth mother loved me," she said.

Blume, who has worked with many, many birthmothers, birth fathers, birth grandparents over the years, wrote For the Love of a Child: The Journey of Adoption not only in hopes of being helpful to birthmothers, birth families, and clergy who may be involved in adoption decisions, but in hopes, she says, that she can convey the love nearly all of these birth families have had for the child. Blume has come to have tremendous respect for these parents, and she hopes to convey that in the first part of this book, which tells the stories of some of the birth family members she has worked with.

The book is aimed at members of the LDS Church, and uses language specific to the church, for example speaking of some birthparents' desire to place the babies for adoption so that they can have the blessings of a "sealing covenant" with their adoptive family. However, the book provides insight into the feelings of many people in all parts of the adoption process and will be valuable for anyone.

The book is unabashedly pro-adoption. Some readers will have a problem with this-when I wrote a few blogs a couple of years ago on educating young women about adoption, I drew a lot of responses from people who felt that they were pressured to give up their child. Blume is clear that while she has seen adoption bring a lot of healing to the birth family and has several advantages for the child, the decision must be the birth parents' or birthmother's (depending on the situation and the individual state's laws about paternal rights). Blume says this is sometimes hard for a teenage birthmother's parents to accept-after all, from their point of view the birthmother is a child herself. But Blume warns, with examples, of youth she has worked with who had all the decisions made for them and never developed a sense of self-worth or control over their lives. One of the young women Blume worked with went on to have another out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

Blume does share stories of working with one young couple who had married young, six years before Blume counseled them, because of a pregnancy. They had many struggles financially and maritally, but seem to be doing okay. Blume also includes the story of two mothers who chose to single parent, and the story of one girl who had an abortion. But the focus of the book is on adoption.

The book does not sugarcoat poor decisions or make light of the grief involved in relinquishing a child. Yet Blume believes that if the birthmother's wishes are respected, support is provided, and grief is felt and moved through instead of denied, the process can be healing and uplifting. The birth mother can regain a sense of her own identity and ability to make good decisions.

Blume shares a powerful exercise she used with birthmothers: Make lists of pros and cons of each option: marrying the baby's father, single parenting, and placing for adoption. Then, make a checkmark by how many of these advantages for the baby and how many are advantages for the birthparent. Birthmothers and their families deciding how to deal with an unplanned pregnancy will benefit from the vignettes of others' experiences. Sometimes this includes dealing with the birth father. Blume says the majority of birth fathers she has worked with want to be involved and to do the right thing. But she also describes a counseling situation where the young man wanted to marry and raise the baby and the young woman wanted to place for adoption. She tells of other cases where the birth father has had an unexpected influence on the mother's life if she decides to parent-there may be custody cases, restrictions on moving out of state, etc. which can affect the birthmother and any other children or family she may have for the next eighteen years.

Blume describes a case where the birth father was at the placement with the birthmother, and one where the birth father and birth mother both wished to be involved but not to see each other. The birth father and his family waited in one room, the adoptive parents in another, and the birthmother and her family in another-with the social worker coordinating it all so that one parent says goodbye to the baby while the other meets with the adoptive parents, then they switch.

The second part of the book is a collection of writings by various people involved in the adoption process, compiled, introduced and edited by a bishop of the Latter-Day Saints Church who is also a professor of literature.

This part of the book contains short essays by birth mothers, adoptive mothers, a prospective adoptive father, a church elder, two adult adoptees, a high school principal, a single mother whose child is now three, and several birth mothers.

In addition to the essays, the section has some unique elements: The stories of the birthmother and the adoptive mother of the same child, letters between one adoptive couple and the birthmother, and letters written to a child about to be adopted-written by the birthmother, birth father, grandparents, uncle, and aunts, including aunts ages 16, 14 and 11.

For a book with writing from Korean birthmothers, see my review of I Wish for You a Beautiful Life.

Please also see these related blogs:

Three Mothers

Birthparents from the show 16 and Pregnant Have Bittersweet Moments But No Regrets

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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