Book Review: Adoption is a Family Affair--What Family and Friends Must Know

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

30 Jun 2008 12:57 AM

Prolific adoption writer Patricia Irwin Johnston is herself an adoptive parent of three. Her husband and sister-in-law were also adopted. Pat has been a writer, speaker, educator and advocate on adoption topics for nearly 20 years.

While moderating an internet support group for waiting parents, she found many prospective adoptive parents reporting insensitive comments and myths about adoption that they were hearing from family members. Many waiting parents also noted that people didn't seem to know what to say when they announced that they were adopting, and that before and after the baby arrived they didn't have the traditional supportive rituals that families often give to parents when a child is born to them. These may include baby showers, help with meals, offers to share a family cradle, Christening gown or other heirloom. Employers may be less understanding of the need to take time off to bond with a baby if they see the purpose of maternity leave as medical recovery. Well-meaning relatives may either fail to support parents as they would have for a birth child, or may overwhelm the new parents, forgetting that while thy have not given birth, they are still sleep-deprived and under stress, and need time to "cocoon" as a nuclear family.

Johnston is attempting to fill this knowledge gap with the publication of Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends MUST Know. The comprehensive resource contains chapters entitled, "Your Worst Fears", which deals head-on with fears aroused by sensational cases of adoption gone wrong; and "How Adoption Works", which gives an overview of international adoption, adoption from the U.S. foster care system, and domestic infant adoptions-both agency-arranged and "private" adoptions using an attorney or facilitator.

Johnston explains how adoption has changed over the years. She explains the adoption process. Especially helpful chapters were those on how to support adoptive parents as they prepare for the child, and after the child's birth.

Johnston also explains how children adopted at different ages are likely to react to the transition, and how children may deal with the fact of their adoption at different stages of life.

She also includes a section on respecting the privacy of the child's story and not pressuring the parents to share information. There is a brief section on how to handle it if an older child or teen confides feelings about his adoption to you, as another caring adult in his life, that he may not share with his parents.

The final chapter is called "Adoption and the Rest of the World". This addresses "adoptism" prejudice, adoption in the media, and "adopt-a-whale"-type misuses of the word "adoption". It also includes a section on Respectful Adoption Language(also called Positive Adoption Language).

A section on sharing your culture and learning about the culture of an adopted child's heritage is included. However, very little is said about racial issues that might be encountered in a transracial adoption.

Mention is made of delays that may be experienced by children who've been in institutions, although specific disabilities, including fetal alcohol exposure, are not covered.

Johnston says that for ease, she writes her book as if addressing grandparents, but her suggestions apply to any relative or friend who is concerned about the adopting parents. She includes notes on how you may feel if you were adopted or were an adoptive parent yourself. She tells grandparents and relatives that discipline techniques that worked well for their own children may not be the same as those being used by the adoptive parents, on the advice of professionals who have advised them about attachment based on the age and history of their child.

This is a thorough resource. It is more complete than When Friends and Family Ask about Adoption, which I've reviewed here, although When Friends and Family Ask is shorter and would perhaps be more likely to be read by others. It is, however, focused on domestic adoption of infants who are born to young, single mothers. Adoption is a Family Affair covers many types of adoption, many situations of birthparents, and diverse adoptive families.

The book Cross-Cultural Adoption, reviewed here by my co-blogger Shoshanna, is a great resource for questions that children may ask about adoption. It would be a good resource to give parents of cousins, neighbors, or any kids who will interact extensively with your child.

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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shgarg (5) 30 Jun 2008 01:25 AM

Articles and content in this section of the website are really amazing. From http://www.puneonnet.com

centraloregonmom (300) 30 Jun 2008 04:20 PM

Sounds like a great gift idea for the Grandparents-to-be (or aunts, uncles, cousins)!

One of the most unintentionally hurtful comments made during our adoption was said by my sister-in-law. We were active in the adoption process for our daughter, who we had an existing relationship with, when we found out we were pregnant. When we were sharing the exciting news (only a month after sharing the first news of the impending adoption), she asked, "what does that mean for [our daughter]?" The tone/implication was that we would stop the process since we were having "one of our own." I was shocked and wanted to blurt out, "did you give up on your first son when you found out you were pregnant with your second?!" But, I was much nicer, simply stating "Well, I guess she'll have a brother or sister joining her soon!" Extended families SHOULD dive into the process right along with the adoptive parents... unfortunately a lot of times it just doesn't happen.

Pam Connell (2696) 30 Jun 2008 06:32 PM

Thanks shgarg for your nice comment--I'm glad it was helpful.

Thanks for sharing your story Central OR Mom--it may help some other relative from blurting it out! Maybe she was just worried about your daughter? (or we can hope or pretend so?)

I know a few international adoption programs that do expect you to stop the process if you get pregnant. One person realized it just before her travel date to pick up the child they'd been matched with several months before. She'd had several miscarriages so her doctor advised her to just keep it quiet. She did have a baby about eight months after they brought their son home.

I've wondered how it would have been if she'd known a few weeks earlier, just the point where they were really committed to the son they'd being seeing reports and pictures of for a few months, but so far along that it really couldn't be kept from the social worker...