Birth Parents (Part 4) Shame and Guilt

by Anna Glendenning | More from this Blogger

10 Mar 2006 08:25 PM

Expecting mothers and fathers, experiencing the difficulty and emotional stress of an unplanned pregnancy often face deep feelings of shame for being in the situation in the first place. When parents make an adoption plan for their baby these feelings of shame can be even greater in part due to a lack of understanding from their friends, family and society in general. Shame about the fact parents are faced with an unexpected baby may lead to feelings of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming parents.

Guilt for making choices that led to an unplanned pregnancy in many cases can destroy the foundation of a loving relationship the mother and father may have had and in many cases, an unexpected pregnancy is the end of a relationship that may have become something wonderful.

Some mothers my feel guilt for becoming pregnant by casual or non-committed relationships. A pregnant woman may be left to make decisions alone because the father is uninterested or in some cases unknown. Most women don't expect to face such a life altering decision based on an impulsive or risky choice made in the heat of the moment. When a woman is left on her own to make an adoption plan for an unexpected baby she may suffer from deep and painful feelings of shame and guilt about her situation.

Shame and guilt for becoming pregnant in the first place may lead to secrecy surrounding the pregnancy and the adoption process. Keeping such a secret, maintaining a secret throughout the adoption process, and then treating the whole experience as unimportant may cause even deeper feelings of shame for a birthmother or birthparents. The pregnancy and adoption may not even be discussed after the baby is born and placed for adoption.

Birthparents may experience even stronger feelings of guilt and shame for placing their baby with adoptive parents, because society in general lacks understanding of the circumstances that might bring birthparents to make an adoption plan for their baby.

It is very common in society to compare the choice of abortion to the choice of adoption. These attitudes send a psychological message to the birthparents that both choices are the same. These attitudes can cause birthparents to feel their choice of giving their baby life is not valued because people around them view both choices as the same result for the birthparents--no baby. Once the baby has been born, the decision to place him or her for adoption may bring out new feelings of guilt about "rejecting" the baby, no matter how thoughtful the decision really was.

Birthparents with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors may come to terms with their decision over time and be able to find a deeper understanding. With compasion and support birthmothers and birthfathers may come to realize what happened was not something to feel shame and guilt over, but a real and honorable decision to give their baby life and a loving family to grow up with.

• The Adoption Triad: Birth Parents Placement and Healing Intro
• Before and At Placement
• Loss and Grief
• Identity Issues
• Acceptance
• Healing

Special Needs and Adoption-Related Terms: A | B | C | D | E-F | G-H-I | J-K-L | M | N-O | P | Q-R | S | T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z

For more information about parenting special needs children you might want to visit the Families.com Special Needs Blog and the Mental Health Blog. Or visit my personal website.

Photo credit for this blog entry: (no use restrictions for this photo)

Learn more about Anna Glendenning

Anna Glendenning is a mother of four. Two biological children grown and out of college, and two siblings and adopted together in 2003. Anna's Personal Website http://www.adoptiveparentsnetwork.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger

ShelleyI (5) 16 Nov 2006 02:00 AM

This was interesting to read. I am a birthmom to a 2.5 year old boy, open adoption. The whole adoption/abortion comparison drove me nuts when I was pregnant and making an adoption plan. Most people's response to hearing of my plan was to ask why I didn't "just abort"? Many people implied that this would be better then making an adoption plan. People acted like I was cold hearted because I could make an adoption plan, or as they would say, "how can you give your baby away" yet they thought not allowing him to live in the first place was an okay thing. I truely don't understand that thinking.

Anna Glendenning (4234) 06 Jan 2007 03:36 AM

Shelley-- I have never understood why anyone could compair the act of love and the act of ending a life as the same thing... It is a blessing when a life is created and loving parents are there to give a child what most mom's would want to give... It's also so nice that there are more open adoptions today and you have a chance to witness your birthson grow up.

Mary Ann Romans (26886) 06 Jan 2007 05:20 AM

Very interesting blog!