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11 Tips for Helping a Grieving Spouse

If someone your spouse loves, like a parent or close friend, dies, how can you help them? Here are some tips. 1. Remember how you felt if you were in a similar position but don’t expect necessarily that your spouse will react the same way you did in grief. 2. Show your love for your grieving spouse, even if you don’t know what to say or you’re frightened of getting upset or upsetting them more. Just be there for them. It doesn’t matter if you get upset. It might even help. 3. Let your spouse talk about their loved one. … Continue reading →

Book Review: The Adoption Decision

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The Adoption Decision, by Linda Christianson, is not a how-to manual for adopting. He book’s subtitle, 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting, only hints at the insight contained within its pages. This book doesn’t just tell you 15 facts about adoption. Its 15 chapters deal with issues families who contemplate adoption must think about. The issues include: attachment and feeling like a “real” parent, affording adoption, managing the grief of infertility, waiting for an unknown length of time during the adoption process, birthparents, open adoption, adopting an older child, international adoption, transracial adoption, integrating a different culture into … Continue reading →

Weaving God’s Love Across Cultures: Transracial Adoption and Faith (Book Review)

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When the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America committed to exploring strategies for ministry to different ethnic groups, a group of adoptive parents and adoptees saw an opportunity to educate faith communities about adoption and provide resources to help families connect their adoption experiences with spiritual issues. Interested Christians of several denominations and ethnicities gathered in Seattle in the fall of 2002 to share ideas. The result was the book Weaving God’s Love Across Cultures: Transracial Adoption and Faith, edited by Rev. Mary Lindberg, containing contributions by adoptive parents, teen and adult adoptees, clergy, social workers and even a Korean birthmother. … Continue reading →

Relief Society Presidents: Emma Hale Smith

The first and probably most well known of all of the Relief Society presidents was the wife of the Prophet, Emma Smith. Over the years, Emma has probably received more than her fair share of criticism for her decision not to journey west with the Saints following the martyrdom of her husband. However, I would speculate that few women have had to endure the trials that this “elect lady” bore in her lifetime, most of which began when she married her beloved Joseph. Born near Harmony, Pennsylvania on July 10, 1804, Emma Smith was the seventh of nine children. She … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 7) Healing

Birthparents will never forget the baby they placed for adoption. Forgetting isn’t the goal but it’s important for birth mothers and birth fathers to adapt to the new circumstances and come to terms with any regret. When birth parents are able to accept their lives it’s possible to gain a feeling of control, and move forward with whatever else life has in store for them. Birth mothers and birth fathers who are able to openly share feelings with themselves and others may find it to be helpful while moving through the stages of grief and reaching some resolution. Some of … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 6) Acceptance

Accepting the loss and working through the grief doesn’t mean birth parents forget the baby they placed for adoption. It doesn’t mean birth mothers or birth fathers don’t experiences times of feeling sorrow or regret for their loss. Acceptance means birth parents allow themselves to move forward with their lives and integrate the loss into their future lives. There are a number ways birth mothers and birth fathers have found which often help them deal with loss and grief and move to a place of acceptance: Entrustment ceremonies: Some adoption agencies, adoptive parents and birth parents have found a simple … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 5) Identity Issues

Placing a baby for adoption can cause personal identity issues for some birthparents. After the surrender and the signing of the relinquishment of parental rights some birth parents may wonder, “Am I a parent?” Many birth parents experience a strong feeling of incompleteness, because they really are parents without a baby. Most of the time, the fact a birthmother or birthfather are parents goes unacknowledged with their family and friends. Often, birthparents here statements that add to the loss of their identity such as, “Anyone can give birth but, it takes more to be a good parent.” While it may … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 4) Shame and Guilt

Expecting mothers and fathers, experiencing the difficulty and emotional stress of an unplanned pregnancy often face deep feelings of shame for being in the situation in the first place. When parents make an adoption plan for their baby these feelings of shame can be even greater in part due to a lack of understanding from their friends, family and society in general. Shame about the fact parents are faced with an unexpected baby may lead to feelings of unworthiness or incompetence about becoming parents. Guilt for making choices that led to an unplanned pregnancy in many cases can destroy the … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 3) Loss and Grief

When birthparents are dealing with the loss and grief of having surrendered their baby for adoption, some feelings may be expressed as denial. Denial is a shield from the pain of the loss. As birthparents move on in the process of grieving they may soon face feelings of sorrow and depression as the loss becomes more real. Anger and guilt may follow, and it is common for birthparents express their anger at those who helped with the adoption placement. Placing a baby for adoption may bring out other feelings of loss, and add to the grief. No one ever dreams … Continue reading →

Birth Parents (Part 2) Before and At Placement

Many mothers and fathers who decide to place a baby for adoption express feelings of great loss in their own lives. Many birthparents hope placing their baby for adoption will lead to a better life for their child and better future for themselves. For some a sense of loss begins during pregnancy when expectant parents come to accept the reality of the unplanned baby. The actual birth and physical separation of a new baby from the parents can result in a sense of loss that is all-encompassing. The actual surrendering of the baby may cause feelings of numbness, shock, denial, … Continue reading →