Belonging, Identity and 'The' Reason Why: How I Decided Not to Search for My Birth Parents (cont'd.by Valorie Delp | More from this Blogger 23 Aug 2006 05:48 PM Perhaps I'm a naturally "uncurious" person. But since I belong to my parents, I can't imagine going to look for another mother, or what place this person could possibly hold in my life. Of course I realize a birth mother wouldn't be "another mother", and yet how do you define a relationship with someone who has given you life biologically, and at the same time given you nothing of the life you know now. I have never felt the need to look for this person to help define who I am. My identity, I feel, is largely formed in how I respond to and look at life. I am not formed by this other woman. In my mind, identity is a matter of perspective. Many adoptees have the idea that they were "unwanted." They wrestle with the idea in their mind, and struggle to come to terms with being "unwanted." As for me, I look at it in completely the opposite way. I was desperately "wanted." My adoptive parents went through a lot to adopt me--plain and simple. They were overjoyed when they got me, and they've always "wanted" me. Following the question regarding whether I've wanted to search for my birth parents, generally comes the question, "Do you know why your birth mother gave you up?" I don't. I don't need to know either. I have a tremendous amount of respect for her though, and even more so since becoming a mother. Perhaps she thought she couldn't handle another child. Perhaps she couldn't afford another child. But regardless of her inability to keep me, she did go through the pregnancy (which I can tell you is not easy!). I cannot imagine the circumstances that would lead a woman to give up her child, and so I have to believe that she really did what she thought was best for me. In the end, it all comes down to what we define as family, identity, and our purpose in life. As for my definition of family? Well, it changes. My family has been my adoptive parents, my fellow residents in my dorm, my close friend, and of course my own husband and children. A person's identity, in my opinion, has so little to do with what they accomplish in life. Identity is influenced by who loves us and who we love. But it seems that as I'm getting older, I am learning that who I am is truly defined by my responses to life's circumstances. I cannot control the various situations that arise, but I can always choose how I respond. As for my purpose in life, I simply hope to be a good wife and mother. It's not really all that complicated I'm afraid. But I cannot be consumed by the search for another person who I do not know. For these reasons, I have never wanted to, nor do I intend to look for my birth parents. Learn more about Valorie Delp  Hello everybody! My name is Valorie and I am one busy lady! When I'm not writing or editing for families, I am busy trying to get my brood of 5 in line. Relevantadoption tags Food | baby | Scrapbooking | family | children | parenting | holidays | christmas | relationships | pregnancy User Comments  Jody Moreen (3274) 23 Aug 2006 07:58 PMI find your reasons for not searching for your birth mother quite sad. It seems that you have misunderstandings about adoption search. No one can judge you for your decision but many would question your thought process. I know many adoptees from wonderful adoptive families who search. And many KNOW who their mothers are and are not looking to replace them- of course there may be some rare cases where adoptees have had challenging placements and did not feel bonded to their parents and search with this in mind. But many more want to solve the mystery of their lives, thank their birth parents for giving them life, affirm their birth parents adoption decision and also bring closure to themselves and their birth mothers Your post seems to focus on your needs and why you could not see what need this would fill in your life. But many adoptees look past their need and desire to honor and encourage their birth mothers- embrace them for the gift of life and adoption. This DOES NOT negate the love many have for their adoptive parents- it is a separate issue. I would suggest that all adoptees find a local adoption triad support group. For by meeting birth mothers, I grew to love them, hear their bittersweet stories of adoption, their ongoing love for their child, I observed the blessing it is in many of their lives to have the children they placed come to find them. And for many of them, embrace them for the first time- A great miracle for many and a tremendous source of healing.  Valorie Delp (49340) 23 Aug 2006 08:16 PMUnfortunately, in a blog, you cannot write your life history. I do suspect thought, that you have grossly misread my blog. . .or I was incredibly unclear. To clarify, I am not discouraging anyone who would like to find their birth parents, from doing so. I think it is a noble pursuit. My point was simply that I am not struggling with an "unsolved mystery." And yes, my focus of the blog was on me and my feelings. . .hence the title why I chose not to look for my birth parents. I furthermore did NOT say that choosing to look for your birthparents negates your love for your adoptive family. Please don't misunderstand me. I have, as I said in my blog, a tremendous amount of respect for my birth mother. What an incredible woman she is! If she would choose to find us, I would welcome her with open arms. But I don't feel as if I'm obligated to search for her to help her find closure and healing as you are suggesting.  Melissa J (13710) 23 Aug 2006 11:16 PMI appreciate your story Valorie. I had a great interest to find my son's birth siblings just to know what someone related to them was like and for medical information (found a lot too). I don't have a problem with my boys searching (though I gathered much information on family and whereabouts anyway), but it's comforting to know that there are adoptees that don't place huge emphasis on being related by blood. My son's are my sons and I don't look at their blood. I hope they will always know that I am their mother. God has entrusted them to us and they're precious to me. I admire the respect and admiration both you and Jody have for your moms (by adoption). As a mother, I hope my children feel the same toward me and never look at me as any less their mom. God bless you. Jody Moreen (3274) 25 Aug 2006 02:23 AMValerie, thanks for your response. I do respect each adoptees decision in whether they will search for their birth parents. I guess the point I was trying to make is that before I met birth mothers, I too seemed to have no desire to search for my birth family. But after attending adoption support groups with the whole adoption triad, I felt that adoptees held a unique position in aiding birth parents in their healing. No- it is NOTt their duty or obligation, yet I see many birth moms who have delayed healing or repressed their loss, grief and pain. I have witnessed many birth parents begin their healing journey only after meeting the children they placed for adoption as is seen in this letter I found online. ++++++++++ Dear Dr. Laura, Driving home late last week I was moved to tears by a letter you read on the radio. Although I am a compassionate man I do not cry easily. So when I do, I know my heart has been touched deeply. The letter was written by an adoptive mother, expressing gratitude for women who decide to give up their children for adoption. I have never heard such love, respect and empathy for birth mothers and the sacrifice they make in choosing what is best for their children. One reason I was so affected is that 33 years ago as a 17-year-old girl, my wife gave up her first-born son for adoption. As a result, her child was able to grow up in a two-parent family and receive structure, care and support that she simply could not give. She has always known it was the best thing for her son. And yet, the weight of that loss has been a burden on her mother’s heart ever since. Although she has carried this burden quietly and gracefully, each birthday has been a time of quiet remembrance, tears and prayer. The motherly love that led her to make such a difficult decision lives on, and I believe will never die. Recently, God gave my wife the opportunity to meet her son, now a handsome young man and newly-married. There are no words to describe the healing that has grown from that brief meeting. (Tears fill my eyes as I write this.) The aching wound in her mother’s heart has been filled with peace.  Anna Glendenning (4234) 19 Sep 2006 05:10 PMMy cousin chose to not search for many years and then out of the blue she was sent an email from someone who said he was her biological brother. That was 2 years ago and it has been a very interesting few years. My cousin still wishes she didn't have contact or never would have searched. She was happy and didn't seem to need the same kinds of answers that some people do. My ex-husband never wanted to search. The only reason he did was because our oldest son was insistent. My ex had reunion a little over a year ago. So far so good.... But, my son is rather devastated as he now realizes that he is NOT Scottish even though his last name screams it. My children wanted to know their biological grandparents, but now have huge mixed emotions. I think EVERY person has the RIGHT to search or NOT Search... I don't feel that one adopted person has the right to insist all other adopted people feel the same way they do. Jody Moreen (3274) 17 Oct 2006 06:49 AMI was reading the blog responses on here and wanted to clarify that I DO RESPECT each adoptee's decision to search or not to search. As an adoption triad support group leader I have welcomed hundreds of adoptees for the last 12 years to the support groups I have facilitated. I NEVER tell an adoptee that he or she should search for it is a personal decision for each person, and no one can make it. I have always allowed persons to come and share and decide if adoption search is for them. The search for birth family is also a very courageous journey with no road map and many unknowns. In my response to the initial post, I just mentioned that I was SAD that some adoptees don't take the opportunity to know their past and thank their birth parents and aide in the closure to a decsion often made decades ago. It is very difficult, coming from the perspective of witnessing much healing in the lives of adoptees and birth parents from the closed adoption system who have searched and found. NO, not all reunions turn out good- many do not, and some just find answers and closure to the mystery and a chance to communicate with birth family- for some that is all they need. But even in the very worst outcomes (death at the end of a search or a closed door to meeting) I have found that persons can move on and live beyond the mystery and find peace and answers to their adoption story. AGAIN, I want to repeat that I definately respect adoptees who do not want to search, but coming from the perspective of an adoption support group leader who has seen much healing and closure and ability for countless birth mothers and adoptees to move on after search (regardless of the outcome) I do see the value for those who want to search, to take the risk of the journey. For me it was lifechanging and healing and I found the death of my birth parents at the end of my search, but knowing who they were, seeing photos and meeting my birth sisters changed my life in countless ways! Blessings to all, and God bless you wherever you are on your adoption journey! Jody Valorie Delp (49340) 26 Nov 2006 07:30 AMThank you Jody for sharing your perspective. I do appreciate you clarifying. I too see the value for those who want to search. However, for me, I do not live with a nagging mystery or feel the need for healing or closure. As I said, I would welcome birth parent/or siblings should they choose to search for me but if they need closure I feel it is on them to do the searching. However, I don't feel like I should assume they need closure any more than I do. Perhaps they do and should they choose to find me, they will find an open door.  Abi H (105) 06 Mar 2007 08:17 AMI found this discussion fascinating. I personally was adopted by my father, my mother is my birthmother and felt as Valorie did, that I had all I needed in my family without the need to search of my birth father. That situation changed however about 3 years ago, and I now have a relationship of sorts with my birth father. Since meeting him a lot of my own - myths - if you will surrounding adoption and parenting have been destroyed. I think that nature has as much to do as nurture in some situations, and that has made me uneasy. It’s been quite a journey over the past few years... Community Tags adoptee stories, adoption, adoptee, Birth parents, birth parent search, healing, reunion Discuss this article
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