Belonging, Identity and 'The' Reason Why: How I Decided Not to Search for My Birth Parentsby Valorie Delp | More from this Blogger 23 Aug 2006 04:58 PM So many things identify us. Many of you have likely read my blogs and know that I am a home schooling mom. I am the mother of five wonderful children, including a set of twins. I am the wife of a coach. And I am adopted. You can tell, without a doubt, that I must be adopted. The only way you could be more sure is if my adoptive parents and I were of different races. While both of my "adoptive" parents are dark haired, have brown eyes, and are almost olive color--I am blonde (or at least I was when I was a little girl), have blue eyes and am fair skinned. I would be a genetic impossibility between my parents. I guess they figured I'd notice eventually and so they told me very early on that I was adopted. I actually can't remember when they told me. It's just always been a normal part of my life; an accepted fact just like the sky is blue. I remember talking about it with my mother when I was very young. She told me about siblings that I had, my birth place, and anything else I wanted to know. She even asked me if I wanted to look for my birth mother. "No," I replied. "I just want an ice cream cone after lunch." The matter was never closed, but it wasn't discussed. It's not that the topic was taboo, but rather I didn't need to discuss it. I wish I could say it was this one thing that my parents did or said, that led me to decide that I didn't need to look for my birth mother. I certainly think growing up in a house where it was discussed openly, helped. But I'm not even sure that my parents being so willingly open with me is what caused me to feel such a strong sense of belonging. But I do. For better or at times, for worse, I belong to my parents. They love me and as far as they're concerned--I'm theirs. There is no other alternative child that they can trade me for if I turn out to be a disappointment. To them, I am, and always have been a done deal--just as if my adoptive mother had been there at the hospital on the day I was born. Perhaps I'm a naturally "uncurious" person. But since I belong to my parents so completely, I can't imagine going to look for another mother, or what place this person could possibly hold in my life. . . Learn more about Valorie Delp  Hello everybody! My name is Valorie and I am one busy lady! When I'm not writing or editing for families, I am busy trying to get my brood of 5 in line. Relevantadoption tags Food | baby | Scrapbooking | family | children | parenting | holidays | christmas | relationships | pregnancy User Comments  Jody Moreen (3274) 23 Aug 2006 06:33 PMValerie, thanks for your entry and as an individual you have a right to make your own decisions regarding your birth parents. I was also like you raised in a caring family and was given much love and many material things, and a college education. Growing up I saw no need to search for my birth family. But that changed in mid-life. I began attending adoption triad support groups where all persons touched by adoption attended. It was then for the very first time that I met dozens of birth mothers and heard many of their stories of adoption. I never heard a story where a birth mother placed a child for adoption without much pain and sacrifice and deep loss. And many in decades past did not live in a kind world, but there was much judgement, shame and secrecy in crisis pregnancies. Some birth mothers were forced to relinquish their children. Listening to their stories and the desire to meet the children they so selfishly placed for adoption touched my heart. I woke up the knowledge that "I" was not all that mattered and that I needed to search and find my birth mom. To thank her face to face for giving me life, to affirm her decision, which many birth moms were not treated very nicely and to give her peace in knowing I was raised in a loving family and was grateful to her. Adoptees who have never met birth mothers or heard their stories often have wrong impressions of them. No- many persons search, not to replace their parents, but to reach out and embrace the woman who gave them life and the gift of adoption. It is an "addition" equation to open your heart to these beautiful women, not a "subtraction" equation - as adults we can embrace many persons in our extended families. Please do not make generalizations about adoptees who search. It is a normal quest to seek out one's ethnic, medical, and genetic heritage. I have witnessed adoptees who have embarked on search/reunion journeys, and no matter the outcome of the search, I have seen tremendous emotional growth and peace and closure to their life mystery. Valerie, you may not have a desire in yourself to search, but sometimes we need to reach outside ourselves and think of others. Many birth mothers lives have been touched and healed through the courageous journey of the children they relinquished to find them. I believe it honors them and shows gratitude for the gift of life- its the least many of us can give them for what they gave to our lives. Thanks for allowing me to share my perspective as an adoption group leader. Jody Jody Moreen (3274) 23 Aug 2006 06:35 PMA Correction- in my last post- I meant to say that birth moms "selflessly" placed children not selfishly. Sorry! Jody  Melissa J (13710) 23 Aug 2006 11:21 PMI've enjoyed reading your perspectives Valorie. http://members.families.com/mj7/blog Community Tags adoptee stories, Birth parents, birth parent search Discuss this article
|
Adoption categories
More adoption tagsFood | baby | Scrapbooking | family | children | parenting | holidays | christmas | relationships | pregnancy |
