Attaching with Extended Family

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

24 Nov 2007 07:55 PM

Some adopted young adults say that although they felt a part of their immediate families, they never felt quite like "one of the clan" with their extended relatives. One adoptive mother theorizes that for relatives who live far apart, reunions tended to focus on genes and history, since relatives who had spent many years at a distance had few shared experiences to build a relationship on. Relatives commented on who had grown up to look like who, remembered family births, and told baby stories comparing new parents and their babies. This mother reported that her kids were likely to hear, "Oh, you must be Bob and Chris' little Korean girls". At home in a family of a few people, a child's looks may not stand out as much as when a whole flock of cousins looks alike except for the adopted child.

Extended family also might not live in a diverse community. They may not have necessarily kept their grandchildren secret, but they face the dilemma of whether to call attention to a grandchild's adoptive status, thus risking being accused of letting it matter in how they see the child; or not mentioning it, risking being accused of being ashamed of it. It may just not have come up. Many of my daughters' friends' parents are startled to meet my son, since I've never thought to speak of him as "my Caucasian son".

Visiting a new territory can cause different experiences, hopefully not as dramatic as one family's experience at a Southern family funeral. The sons and grandsons (including a grandson from the West Coast who had been adopted from Korea) were pallbearers, and as they proceeded up the aisle one neighbor of the deceased drawled, "Why is a yellow boy doing carrying Jim Hanks' coffin?"

Adoptive families should consciously foster ties between grandparents and grandchildren via letters and phone calls, sending kids' artwork, making tapes of the kids and encouraging grandparents to tape themselves reading children's stories. They should share family stories while sharing photos of extended family. Let cousins come for a visit. Send grandparents a nicely framed family photo to encourage them to display it. Give extended family some hints for talking about adoption should neighbors bring it up. However, avoid bringing it up every time you meet. Let them see you first and foremost as a normal family. Share with them the delight you have in your children.

Please see these related blogs:

Acceptance of Adopted Children by Extended Family

Not the Acceptance that was Expected

Grandparent Favoritism: My Unnecessary Worry

Slow Down, Grandma

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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