Asking for Help

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

12 Jan 2007 03:37 AM

In some ways, I think asking for help with the kids is harder for adoptive parents. We feel that we chose this, so we should be able to do it ourselves. Or we worry that others will think we shouldn't have adopted. Or we are extra-sensitive about our self-image as parents, since we had to prove our parental fitness to outsiders in a way most parents do not. For me, our second adoption (third child) came after I had faced a health issue. I know that a couple of people in my family were worried about our taking this on at this time, so I felt compelled to prove that everything was okay.

Yet, going it alone doesn't really do our kids any favors, when I think about it. Our kids have experienced some adults being irresponsible and/or going away, by choice or not. Introducing them to as wide a support network as possible can help them realize that there are dependable adults in this world. As much as I might like to think of our home as a haven, (for all of us), I don't want our kids to think that our family is the only place where they can be accepted. I want them to feel that they are accepted and liked because of who they are, not because of who we are.

Another reason to let others be involved with your children is that a diversity of people broadens their chances of finding people with traits or interests in common with them. While I believe that environment is the primary factor in who we are, we know that certain traits have genetic roots-a talent for music, a tendency to be shy, a preference for hands-on learning over book learning, and many more. Adopted children may be more likely to differ from their adoptive parents in many traits. They may feel self-conscious if they live with parents and siblings who love reading while they struggle with it, or if they are much more talkative than their parents and siblings, for example. But perhaps the child will see that portion of himself validated in an uncle, aunt or godparent.

In the first weeks after placement, experts do recommend limiting the number of adults in kids' lives so that they quickly realize who their parents are (in the case of babies) and learn that they can trust their parents to meet their needs (for any age child). Sometimes grandparents and other relatives have trouble understanding this need for babies to be with the parent and not to be passed around. But after that initial period, extended family, friends, members of your church or community or worship, or neighbors can be a valuable support to adopted children, enriching their lives immensely.

Related blog:

Adoptive Parents Need Rest

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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Anna Glendenning (4234) 12 Jan 2007 08:30 PM

Very Great Information! Pam, you hit the nail on the head... Isn't it so strange after "qualifying" ourselves we feel less right to reach out for help........

Pam Connell (2658) 13 Jan 2007 06:56 PM

Thanks Anna. Your words mean a lot to me because I've learned so much from reading you, MJ and Ed.

Fatherofeight (2475) 14 Jan 2007 07:10 AM

When it was really crazy, we had one friend that we could call when it was out of hand, four hysterical at once, things like that, don't know what we would have done without her. I have a blog about it on my list to write.

We have also discovered it is absolutely necessary to get away, Nancy and I be alone for an evening, our grown children, good friends, and post adoptive services have helped with that. The batteries must be recharged now and then.