Almost Six Years Old, or Only Five Years Here?--More Adoption Time Muddles

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

28 Oct 2008 12:37 AM

Mary Ann recently wrote a blog on Should You Hold Your Child Back a Year? This is really pertinent for me right now. I wrote a blog last month about my ambivalence about Regina starting school. She is a bit behind in speech and fine motor skills and is not big on sitting still.

(Adopted kids often have a difference between their developmental age and their chronological age. This may be because attachment anxiety keeps them from concentrating their energy on development, or because adopted children often repeat developmental stages with their new family. For internationally adopted kids, less time learning English may be a factor.)

Regina had already done a PreK program, and her speech therapist and my husband strongly felt that she would learn more by being around kindergarteners than around preschool children this year, even if she is to repeat kindergarten later. I decided that since she wasn't a "borderline birthday" kid but would actually be on the older side, I would let her go into the class with her age peers and see how it went. I did think she would to csome extent rise to expectations. Her siblings baby her because she is so physically small, and sometimes it's hard for us to realize that she is capable of older behavior. And besides, she really wanted to go to the big school with her brother and sister.

She had a harder transition than I expected. She cried at school for four days or so, then we had good reports from school for a couple of weeks but tantrums and toileting regression at home. Regina complained that other kids wouldn't play with her and that one boy had called her "stupid".

Now Regina is much happier. She is proud of her increasing skill with letters and sounds and happily plays with several other girls at recess. But her class is definitely given more academic work than my other two were even a few years ago. Part of me says, if she may have to repeat kindergarten anyway, why can't she and I have a final year of fun at home? Part of me knows she wants to be at school now.

Part of me just wants to say, "Stop the world, I want to get off!"

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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centraloregonmom (295) 30 Oct 2008 04:41 PM

We had fully expected our daughter to repeat kindergarten. Like you, we had dealt with so many late milestones, we just wanted her to be around "typical" kids her own age and see if she could meet the challenge. By the end of the year, we talked it over with her teacher... she was surprised we would even ask about repeating, she was doing great. However, by the end of first grade she had fallen behind again and we were forced to make the difficult decision to have her "retained." (don't you just love the school district's PC terminology?!) She started 2nd grade this year, and we now know that repeating 1st grade was the BEST thing we could have done. Yes, she is now the oldest in her class... but, like your daughter, she is quite petite and is finally the same size as her peers (she always hated being the smallest in her class). She is certainly not at the head of her class... but she's also not at the bottom, anymore!

Pam Connell (2658) 30 Oct 2008 09:29 PM

Thanks so much--it's good to hear from someone else. A lot of kids at our school repeat kindergarten and I think it's harder the higher grade you're in. Our older daughter's learning issues didn't really show up (well, I saw signs--but nothing unexpected for her grade until the end of first grade). Since she was very mature in overall development--attention, social, etc.--they advised moving her on and putting a special plan in place to deal with the language issue. They didn't recommend retention if the problem was confined to one area, in general. But now I see the amount of writing my fifth grader is doing, and I just can't see Meg getting there soon. But at this point I would change schools rather than repeat a grade. And if I do put Meg in a multisensory method school for learning challenges, I may put Regina there too because she has a lot of risk factors and she would get a good foundation there for two or three years. Otherwise I'll probably have Regina repeat kindergarten.

centraloregonmom (295) 02 Nov 2008 08:00 PM

It is so hard to measure where they will be down the road. Honestly, if you'd asked me 5 years ago about her academic success, we would have never DREAMED she'd be completely mainstreamed (regardless of her retention status, mainstream is mainstream). There are days I wish she still qualified for special services (she just barely doesn't anymore), but I think her current situation is better for her psychological/emotional well-being. I can't even imagine what she will have accomplished before 5th grade :-) Just goes to show you it is best to look at each child as individuals... and to make sure your school does, too. I do wish I had more options, but where we live there are not a lot of choices of alternative schools. So, we make due with what we have, and we stay very involved with her teacher.