Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 5by Fatherofeight | More from this Blogger 18 Jan 2007 08:58 PM This blog is number five in my series discussing the ideal traits that an adoptive parent will have to successfully adopt a special needs child. The individual will have compassion and sensitivity for the inconsistent emotions and sentiments of their adopted child. Sometimes an adopted child will say things that do not make sense from your perspective. Our oldest is the only one of our five boys who even knew their birth mother. The lady who was taking care of them when the state took custody of them was telling him that she was their mother and Lola was merely one of many people who came to the apartment now and then. I have described the set up where they lived in a previous blog. At the first family visit, Lola told me that the boys did not call her "mom" because she had never been their mother. We have explained to the boys when they ask about her that she was the woman who had them in her "tummy", but that she was unable to take care of them. When they press on that point, we explain that she has a problem with drugs. One day, the oldest and I were taking a trip to Houston to see a doctor. We had not talked about Lola in months. From the back seat, he asked me what gave the state the right to decide that he should be taken away from where he lived and the people that he had belonged to. I tried to explain that the state took him away because he was not being cared for and the place where he was living was dangerous. He didn't remember any of that and we talked for a while. I have to admit that the talk made me feel funny. On a similar trip, he asked out of the blue how he could be taken from the family that he was born in to. I explained that the problem was that he did not have a family and the people he lived with were dangerous. The next time we visited our psychologist's office, I mentioned the conversations. He said that all adopted children think these thoughts, that it is a very natural thing to wonder about. He said that usually they think about it when they are older and that it was a very mature thing for him to have these thoughts and try to verbalize them with me. His insight made me feel better about it. I no longer feel challenged or that our boy is really longing to go back when he says these things. Related Blogs: Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 2 Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 3 Adoptive Parenting Traits, More Part 3 Adoptive Parenting Traits, Part 4 Relevantadoption tags Food | baby | Scrapbooking | family | children | parenting | holidays | christmas | relationships | pregnancy User Comments VNorris (25) 18 Jan 2007 09:06 PMEd I think your boy was just trying to get every straight in his mind. Vernell Crickett (272) 18 Jan 2007 10:05 PMDo you remember mentioning to me that these types of talks always seem to happen in the car- when you are alone together and not face to face? If I didn't get it right would you retell it because that was an interesting tidbit. crickett melodyes_song (80) 19 Jan 2007 07:13 AMEd I remember wondering the same thing when I was younger about my own adoption...who had the power to make such a life changing decision about my life to take me from one family and give me to another....so it is normal for kids to think those things... What i find so awesome is that your children are able to verbalize that to you...for me my adoption was a huge shameful secret...while I knew I was adopted I was not allowed to tell anyone... So you are doing an awesome job...  Fatherofeight (2475) 19 Jan 2007 08:53 AMVernell, that is exactly what he was doing, the first time it caught me off guard and made me a little insecure, am i doing a good job with him, and so forth. I'm glad that you are here and reading my blogs. Let me know if you guys reach a decision about adopting. Crickett, just as our experienced adoption worker told us, these conversations would always be started by him, when he wanted to do it, I can't seem to start one, and that they would always be when we were not face to face, when we were doing something else. So far , it has always been with him alone when I am driving and he is sitting in the back seat. Melody - thank you so much for sharing with us. Yes, we have taken the road that everything is open, I don't mind sharing on the internet because the boys have been told these things over and over. Every now and then, the 5 and 6 year old ask about what they were like when they were babies and we remind them of when they came to our house, we share our earliest pictures of them, we tell the stories of when they came to live with us, the first moment we saw Tommy, he was eating, we asked him what he had and he said "fwech fwies", he has heard that many times. I tell Caleb the story of "baby Caleb" about once a week at bedtime, why we wanted him, how we got him, what it was like, sometimes he tells me the story. Thanks for your comments, I look forward to receiving your input in the future.  rsbg (501) 19 Jan 2007 11:22 PMthanks for sharing this, it helps me to know that this is going to be a normal part of the process and not to panic when the child brings it up. Fatherofeight (2475) 20 Jan 2007 06:45 AMYes, it shocked me until I was able to get sound advice. And it makes sense. Glad to help. PATTI (580) 23 Jan 2007 11:52 AMDear Ed, Thank you for sharing these encounters with everyone. I will probably never adopt, but maybe I'll be able to help someone that does. PATTI Fatherofeight (2475) 23 Jan 2007 05:53 PMIt is much easier if you are prepared with a response and in your reaction when it happens. Community Tags adopted children think these tho, compassion, inconsistent emotions, sensitivity Discuss this article
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