Adopted Kids' Transition to School

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

28 Sep 2008 05:02 PM

It's a big transition for parents and an even bigger step for children when a child enters "real grown-up school". Adoptive families can anticipate the common issues this entry brings up, and often a few different ones as well.

In her book Real Parents, Real Children, Holly van Gulden writes that even for children who have been in school, first grade can be a difficult time for children as they deal with being away from home all day long and coping with a day that is no longer primarily about play.

(Gulden wrote nearly fifteen years ago. I believe that today this transition comes in kindergarten. Many educators note that work previously begun in first grade--such as learning to read and write--now takes place in kindergarten. Many schools have also eliminated half-day kindergarten.)

Gulden writes that some children, both adopted and not, experience a "kicked out" feeling when they start school. She adds that this is often compounded by the timing-it is around age six that a child begins to understand the "other side" of her adoption-that not only was she very much wanted and chosen by her parents, but she must first have been "un-chosen" by her first parents. Gulden writes that this awareness, coupled with separation anxiety during longer days away from home, may lead a child to question her place in the family.

"Reinforcing claiming and belonging at home and talking about school anxieties and adoption issues become all the more important," writes Gulden.

Gulden suggests that parents and teachers can periodically offer support throughout the school day. Parents can leave notes in lunch boxes or even arrange permission for the child to call home at certain points during the day. Many preschools and kindergartens take pictures of the parents on the first day or during orientation night. The pictures are kept inside the children's desks to be looked at whenever the child wants reassurance.

An idea that has helped my daughter was drawn from the picture book, The Kissing Hand. A parent puts a kiss in the child's hand, and whenever the child misses the parent he can take out the kiss and put it on his cheek. I also expanded the note-in-the-lunch-box idea by enclosing paper hearts for non-readers.

Please see these related blogs:

Another Time for Letting Go

Parents Get Separation Anxiety Too

How Teachers Can Help with The Transition to School

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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