"A Time for Every Purpose..."

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

29 Jul 2007 06:57 PM

I love being an adoptive parent. Sometimes I love to immerse myself in adoption--reading and talking about it, hanging out with other adoptive parents, going to workshops. But there have been other times when I love not thinking about adoption for a while, and simply luxuriating in the knowledge that these children are mine.

I know I have to be careful about this. I've heard many adult adoptees speak about how disconnected they felt growing up when their families denied their differences. Even though they were told about their adoptions, they felt that talking about them was discouraged. I believe it is important to regularly provide opportunities for children to ask questions about adoption and to celebrate their ethnic heritage.

But still, I think it is sometimes okay to relax and just enjoy your children.

I've decided that, for me at least, there are stages of an adoptive parent's life. When you have just adopted and/or the adoption has just been finalized (often there are many months between the child's placement and the legal finalization of the adoption) you may be excited to share your story. I wanted to talk about adoption all the time. I was thrilled when strangers stopped me in the grocery store and asked about our family. They seemed genuinely interested and enthusiastic and I was bubbling with eagerness to share our story of a good adoption process, to counteract all the negative images people had. I do remember thinking that when the kids were a bit older they might not like strangers stopping and questioning us.

In the second stage, I felt somewhat saturated with adoption material. But also, although I continued to tell people (including my children) the story of how she was adopted, it almost seemed surreal and hard to believe myself. My head and my actions did not deny the reality, but my heart could no longer remember a time when this child was not my daughter.

I decided that it was okay to relax and enjoy this stage. Our children are really and truly ours. They have penetrated every fiber of my being. I think of the Biblical quote "I have bound you to my soul with hoops of steel."

I was aware, even while I was enjoying this stage, that a time would time, perhaps when the girls started school, when I would have to think about this again. For us, it ended up coming when we had the opportunity to adopt again sooner than we expected. It caused us to once again immerse ourselves in researching and waiting, and was the occasion for our older daughter to better understand her own adoption story. We had a brief period again where it was not at the forefront of our minds, and as I suspected I am now doing more research as my daughter asks questions, and is asked questions. (And of course, the fact that I blog about adoption...which has benefited me, as well as hopefully provided information or encouragement to others.)

I used to worry about maintaining a balance. But I've become more relaxed since I've realized that some stages in our family's life naturally lend themselves to thinking about adoption more than others. There are still plenty of times when our bond is so strong that I am momentarily startled when others notice the obvious differences.

I say, just enjoy the stages.

Please see these related blogs:

Can This Child Really Be Mine?

I Forget We Don't Look Alike

New Year's Resolutions for Adoptive Parents

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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ddixonart (86) 31 Jul 2007 11:30 PM

That is very insightful. I never thought about how in the midst of trying to help an adopted child feel more joined to us, it would make them feel that their differences were being denied. Very interesting viewpoint! I don't have any adopted children myself. But you know what? They would probably say I'm in denial of their differences too. I was a great mom until my girls got near puberty. All of a sudden I am the worst, most embarrassing mom on earth LOL

Pam Connell (2658) 03 Aug 2007 08:50 PM

Thanks for reading ddixonart--I hope to hear more feedback from you in the future!