A Soul-Searching Question: What Special Needs Could We Handle?

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

One of the most difficult parts of our adoption process was one of the first. We were presented with two single-spaced pages of special needs and asked to check "yes", "no" or "maybe" as to whether we would consider the referral of a child with that condition.

This caused much soul-searching. We wanted to adopt a child who needed a home as much as we wanted to give him or her one. We didn't see the sense in joining a waiting list for a healthy newborn. Additionally I had always felt strongly since childhood that I would adopt a child with special needs.

Yet, we wondered. We were inexperienced as parents. Perhaps, we thought, we should know what kids "normally" did in order to know what a kid needed special help with, or what might be related to adoption issues, vs. a mental or emotional special need, vs. just a developmental stage.

There were practical considerations too. Our house was not wheelchair-accessible. I was something of a klutz and did not feel equipped to consider a child needing tube-feeding or other medical procedures. I have a slight hearing problem and had always struggled to understand our neighbors with cerebral palsy-caused speech problems.

We also tried to imagine the interaction of a special needs child with our birth son. First, if a child had very severe special needs, would my son be burdened with looking out for his sibling for the rest of his life after we were gone? Secondly, would a sibling with a mental or severe learning handicap feel inferior next to our bright-for-his-age son?

We read an article in an adoption magazine that advised parents to consider their lifestyle and the things they enjoyed as a family. The article said, for example, that a family heavily into skiing might find a child with Down's Syndrome fit in very well, but a child with severe physical disabilities might feel left out, or siblings might feel resentful for curtailing their favorite family activity. Conversely, a family where family time revolved around board games and current events discussion might not be bothered by a child with a physical difference, but subconsciously resent a child with a mental disability.

My husband and I learned some surprising things about each other. One of us thought it would be no problem to take a child with severe facial deformity or scarring. Of course we would be able to build the child's self-esteem in other ways, help them grieve but come to realize that everyone has to deal with something, help them find ways to so shine that people would see them for who they really were. The other one of us doubted that we'd be equipped to help a child deal with the rejection they might face from others. A friend told us of how their child, who faced such an issue which seemed minor at first, had become suicidal. What in the world were we getting ourselves in for?

I felt guilty even having these choices. Birth parents of kids with special needs don't get to choose. (And we always knew that nothing was guaranteed. A child could later manifest the exact condition we'd most wanted to avoid.)

I felt like a hypocrite in some ways. I had said I wanted to adopt a child who needed me, then I seemed to be adding "but not in these ways...." Was it just a stroke to my self-esteem to think of myself as adopting a "special needs" kid-as long as the needs weren't too severe?

How would we find the balance that was right for our family?

Please see these related blogs:

What is An Adoption Doctor and Why Would I Need One?

What An Adoption Doctor Did For Us

Preparing to Parent Your Special Needs Child

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

View Full Profile | More from this Blogger