A New Normal

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

05 Nov 2008 11:30 PM

Many parents who adopt transracially deeply feel that looks shouldn't matter. And in one sense they shouldn't. But I've come to see that looks cause assumptions to be made. Assumptions that my daughter is lost, although she's standing right next to me. (She's Korean and I'm fair-skinned.) Assumptions that I'm her babysitter. Assumptions that she doesn't speak English. Certain aspects of how one looks carry assumptions based on past experiences and emotions. Different people have different assumptions about who feels threatening and who feels comforting. The more we are around something, the more it becomes part of what we define as "normal".

For Americans, a "new normal" began last night.

My eight-year old has been talking about Barack Obama for weeks now. She poked her head into the room while I was watching the first presidential debate and said, "I hope that black guy gets it."

"Why?" I pressed. She couldn't really tell me, so I chided her for making judgments based on appearances. I told her that it was more important what ideas the candidates had for helping our country.

Much to my surprise-I've had limited success so far in getting my kids to share my interest in current events-she has continued to talk about Obama over the past six weeks. She has mentioned various reasons at different times, telling me things that she'd heard at school and in her Brownie group while working on the "Citizens" patch. She told me that she wanted him to win because "he would be the first different one".

Again I told her it would be nice to have a president of color someday, but beliefs and actions were more important in deciding whom to vote for.

I still hold to that basic truth, but after last night I understand my daughter's comment better. I saw the news anchors hold up the classroom poster of all the past Presidents, then superimpose Barack Obama's face among them. My daughter had the biggest grin on her face, and I was unexpectedly moved.

I have written before about the impact on my daughters of having a young Korean woman as a role model. Now there is a very visible role model for the nation. A role model that says you can be different and still make it to the top. One commentator said last night that Obama's presidency would make it much easier for voters to imagine a woman president or a president of another minority group in the future.

Adoptive parents often seek out diverse schools for their children,even if they can't find schools of their child's specific culture, or even if their child is white and being raised by white adoptive parents. Even if there are no other Koreans or adoptees at school, having immigrant families, single-parent families, blended families---all kinds of diversity--means that students at that school are likely to think that it's okay to be different. When the child's peers do learn of his adoption, they may not know what it means, but they already know that people are different and that is okay.

My daughter knows that she can't be the president herself, because although she is a U.S. citizen, she wasn't born one. But she knows that she can vote when she's eighteen, and she knows that she might be voting for someone who looks like her. Now she knows that we really mean it when we say people are equal in America.

A columnist in our local paper put it well:

"[Martin Luther] King's dream came true. Finally, suddenly, publicly, the nation collectively judged a man not for the color of his skin but for the content of his character."

Whether you do or don't like Obama's ideas, it's nice to have a new, expanded definition of normal.

Please see these related blogs:

Would They Have Done that to Me?

I Have a Dream

How Do my Adopted Kids Think about Skin Color?

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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Andrea Hermitt (5512) 06 Nov 2008 08:14 AM

I have been struggling with how to explain to my friends who I have many ideals in common with why I voted for Obama when they were so deadset against them. While I know I didn't vote for him because of skin color, I know that it made me want to. I am glad that other people get it. Maybe I'll just send them this link.

scrapandtell (75) 06 Nov 2008 09:34 AM

While I don't think the desire for a more expansive definition of normalcy is reason to elect a minority President, I'd agree with you that having Obama in that role should do just that. So, although I did not vote for him, I will be pleased by some of the unintended outcomes. I am like you, Pam, having three children by birth and adoption, and am always looking for minority role models amidst the homogenous community in which I live.

centraloregonmom (295) 06 Nov 2008 09:09 PM

Although I, too, tried to make sure my daughter (who is mostly hispanic) understood we were voting for Obama because of his ideas, she maintained that she liked him because "he is brown like me." I stopped telling her that wasn't a very good reason to vote for someone after about the third time she mentioned it. At 8 years old, maybe that is what's most important to her and I guess there are worse things to be worried about!

Pam Connell (2658) 17 Nov 2008 08:10 PM

Thanks for your comment scrapandtell; I look forward to hearing more about your family in the future. I just read a column in our local paper by an African-American columnist who said he voted for McCain, but found himself unexpectedly emotional at Obama's victory. He said he never imagined that there would be a black president in his lifetime.