A Child's Stages of Thinking about What It Means to Be Adopted

by Pam Connell | More from this Blogger

30 Dec 2007 12:24 AM

In their book Inside Transracial Adoption, Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall (both adoptive parents) look at attitudes toward adoption in general, and then transracial adoption in particular, as going through several stages. Steinberg and Hall name these stages as: Pre-Conscious, Contact, Disintegration, Internalization, Immersion/Emerging. The authors look at what these stages might mean for the adoptee, adoptive parent and birthparent. I will try to give a brief and easy-to-read summary here some of what they say about issues of adopted children, then my next blog will discuss adoptive parents.

In the Pre-Conscious Stage, the child knows only his/her own family experience and has no reason to wonder about differences. He accepts his parents' account of how excited they were to be his parents and that being adopted is special. Young children may believe everyone is adopted. Transracially adopted children notice how everyone seems to love their pretty brown skin and eyes. They may wonder why others remark on it so much.

The Contact Stage is when children experience other kids' comments or questions that let them know others don't always understand. At ages six to eight, children's proud comments to their peers about adoption can be met with a reaction they didn't expect. They worry that others think their family or they themselves are different or weird.

Children become aware that others question whether they belong in their family. Transracially adopted children may become aware that being called certain names, even if the child doesn't know what the term means, makes their parents mad. They may not tell parents when they are called names because they do not want to upset them.

In Disintegration and Integration the child may first wish to avoid talking about adoption or race and "be like everyone else". Then the child becomes aware that he/she is not the only adopted child. The child appreciates having friends or siblings of the same race.

In the Immersion/Emerging Stage, the child begins to see advantages in being adopted-they may be stronger, more tolerant, clearer about what matters that many of their friends. They may not take as much for granted. They choose to seek out role models (hopefully positive ones) who are adopted and/or of their own race. They are no longer dismissive when parents mention adoption or race, but appreciative (although depending on their age, they may not say so!)

Please see these related blogs:

Book Review: Inside Transracial Adoption

Book Review: Beyond Good Intentions: a Mother Reflects on Raising Internationally-Adopted Children

Learn more about Pam Connell

Pam Connell is a mother of three by both birth and adoption. She has worked in education, child care, social services, ministry and journalism.

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