11 Things Some Adoptive Parents Would Like Birth Family by State Adoption to Know

by Melissa J | More from this Blogger

30 Nov 2006 04:50 AM

Below is a list of things that some parents by adoption, as well as I have come up with and wish for our children's birth parents and birth family to know:

• I love my children no differently than I would if I'd given birth to them myself.

• We have vowed to give our children the best we can possibly provide.

• We value many special characteristics that are a result of genetics and not by anything we could have given our children.

• We will not paint you in a bad light to our children.

• Having not been a birthparent, I can't fully understand how you feel.

• We are determined to help them be successful.

• I'm so thankful you chose life even when times were difficult and there were other options.

• We are committed forever to being their parents, not just until they turn 18.

• I believe that you love our child. It's unfortunate, but love isn't enough to protect them or meet their needs.

• Adopting our child was not choosing second best.

• If there are times you don't hear from us, it's not because we've forgotten you. We might just be wrapped up in our schedules or not sure what to share with you at the moment.

I often wonder about my children's birth parents. I wonder if they think about my boys. Among the parents who contributed their thoughts to this list, most of their children's birth mothers had substance abuse issues around the time of the child's birth.

The adoptive parent-birth parent relationship can be very difficult. In most cases neither one has experienced what the other has. We can assume all we want about how the other might feel, but in my opinion, it's better if the main focus is on the child. The child didn't choose to be adopted. Their lives should be made as stable as possible.

Melissa is a Families.com Christian Blogger. Read her blogs at: http://members.families.com/mj7/blog

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Fatherofeight (2475) 30 Nov 2006 02:35 PM

Great article MJ. One of our children has brown hair, but when I stand over him, I see a few red hairs, a forever reminder of his birth mother's hair. And I do love him as much and in the same way as I love my birth children.

Melissa J (13710) 30 Nov 2006 02:55 PM

Thanks Ed. I'd hoped to title this blog VERY carefully as you might see--lol! I'm sure not every parent has these feelings in regard to state adoption, but I am pretty sure most do.

Pam Connell (2658) 30 Nov 2006 04:55 PM

Well said, MJ. I've thought many of those same things in the context of international adoption as well. I do believe our children were loved. Some birthparents were better able to show that love than others. And I love what you said about valuing--not just tolerating-- the things that come to our kids from genes other than our own. If someone were to ask me whether I woudn't lie a kid who looked like me, my mom and my aunt and had good verbal skills, I'd say, "Oh no, I love having a kid who can carry a tune and look good in the color peach!"